Encyclopedia of Humor

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

A guy runs in a bar and he asks the bartender for 24 shots of his finest whisky the bartender pours the shots and the guy shoots them down as fast as possible the bartender says “wow i ve never seen anyone drink that fast before” and the guy says “You would to if you had what I had” and the bartender says “What is it you have?” And the guy says “25 cents” and the guy runs out.

A man walks into a bar and sits down to a man that is obviously intoxicated. He smells a foul odor and asks the drunk, “Did you crap your pants?” The drunk said “yup.” The man then asked the drunk, “Why don’t you go to the bathroom?”, to which the drunk replied, “Cause I ain’t done yet!”

A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on.

The woman reporter shouted out “This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!”. Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, “I bet you $50 that the man’s gonna jump!” The blonde responds back “That’s a bet you have there!”.

So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said “I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin’, i knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff.”

And the blonde says “Well, i did too! But i never would have thought that the man would do it again!”

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to give him a shot of tequilla. The man downs the first one, slams the glass on the bar and immediately asks for another. The bartender gives him another shot. The man downs the second one and slams the glass on the bar again. He repeatidly asks for shots of tequilla until the bartender refuses him to give him anymore.

Disgustingly the man exits the bar cussing and yelling at the bartender making a complete fool of himself. About two minutes later the drunk comes running back in the bar in panic. He urgently asks the bartender to hand him the phone.

The drunk takes the phone and dials 911. When the police answer the phone the man says, “Somebody has broken into my car.

They took my steering wheel, my accelerator and brake pedal, and even my dashboard.”

The police reply that they will be down in a few minutes. The man walks out of the bar again, then returns a couple of minutes later. He picks up the phone and dials 911 again. When the police answers the phone the man says, “I just called about a car that had been broken into. Never mind I mistakenly got in the back seat.”