Encyclopedia of Humor

Thou shall love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes.
Thou shalt remember thy name and password.
Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day.
Honor thy SysOp.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s password, nor his or her real name, computer, software, nor any other thing belonging to him or her.
Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning.
Thou shalt use the English language properly.
Thou shalt spell thy words correctly when ever possible.
Thou shalt delete thine olden messages.
Thou shalt help other users.
Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.
Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself.
Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications.
Thou shalt first dial BBS numbers during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers.
Thou shalt not post messages while drunk.
Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments.
If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy keyboard and burn out thy central processing chip.
Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to a BBS, for verily it is written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus denied forever and ever.
Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with the SysOp’s rules.
Thou shalt observe BBS time limits.
Thou shalt not upload “worm” programs.
Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions.
Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the BBS.
Thou shalt not violate applicable state/federal/local laws hand regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thy will feel the wrath of thy judicial system.
Thou shalt not hack.

One of Microsoft’s finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, “It’s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!”

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie “The Net”

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, “Good Morning, Mr. President.”

1. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa card now, jerk.”

By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks.

Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. “Big” diskettes may be folded and used in “little” disk drives.

Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.

Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a “hung” or “hooked” state. If your system is “hooking” you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.

If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.

Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)

Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.

Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

WinErr 001: Windows loaded – System in danger
WinErr 002: No Error – Yet
WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error – Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr 004: Erroneous error – Nothing is wrong
WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted – System confused
WinErr 006: Malicious error – Desqview found on drive
WinErr 007: System price error – Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr 008: Broken window – Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered – God knows what happened
WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow – Mailbox full
WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space – Free at least 50MB
WinErr 00C: Memory hog error – More Ram needed. More! More!
WinErr 00D: Window closed – Do not look outside
WinErr 00E: Window open – Do not look inside
WinErr 00F: Unexplained error – Please tell us how this happened
WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr 011: Window open – Do not look outside
WinErr 012: Window closed – Do not look inside
WinErr 013: Unexpected error – Huh ?
WinErr 014: Keyboard locked – Try anything you can think of.
WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error – System destroyed. Buy new one.
WinErr 019: User error – Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr 01A: OS overwritten – Please reinstall all software.
WinErr 01B: Illegal error – You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will suffer a penalty for that.
WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error – Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr 01D: System crash – We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr 01E: Timing error – Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr 020: Error recording error codes – Additional errors will be lost.
WinErr 042: Virus error – A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr 079: Mouse not found – A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow – Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr 683: Time out error – Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory – Only 50,312,583 Bytes available.
WinErr 912: Purchase a new copy of Windows today. Old license void. Windows has been deleted.