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Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol

REDMOND, Wash (UPI) – Software and marketing giant Microsoft Corporation (MSFT) announced today that it has purchased the rights to the well-known “trademark” symbol, formerly denoted as “tm” in most print media.

The symbol is commonly used to identify commercial product names that have not yet been registered with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office.

“It was a natural,” commented John Schexnader, of Microsoft’s Ministry of Information. “Several of us were sitting around after a board meeting a few months ago, and we were talking about what we should buy next. We were tossing around the idea of purchasing a country or two in South America, as kind of a follow-up to Sun Microsystems’ trademark-infringement claim against The Island Formerly Known As Java, when it occurred to us that there are no countries named ‘ActiveX.’ We talked about changing the name of ‘ActiveX’ to ‘Chile’ or ‘Brazil’ — which would also help distance it from all those recently-uncovered security holes — when someone joked that we’d save a lot of time and effort in the long run if we’d just trademark the trademark symbol.”

Schexnader continued, “At first, we all just laughed — but one look at Bill’s face, and we knew we’d be on the phone with the Patent and Trademark Office in the morning.”

Microsoft hasn’t wasted any time enforcing the new trademark. According Rue B. Goldberg, an attorney with Microsoft’s Ministry of Litigation and Law Enforcement, “Use of the ‘tm’ symbol will now be restricted to Microsoft and its subsidiaries, like the Catholic Church.”

But companies wishing to use the ‘(tm)’ symbol will not be left out in the cold; according to Goldberg, Microsoft has developed a new symbol, ‘(tMS)’, to replace the now-restricted ‘(tm)’ symbol.

“Anyone will be able to use the new symbol, royalty-free,” states Goldberg, “though Microsoft reserves the right to charge for its use in the future.”

Response to the announcement was varied. Apple Computer CEO Gil Amelio vowed to take the issue to court, stating, “Apple Computer developed the technology for the trademark symbol more than ten years ago,” but refused to give any details on the exact nature of the lawsuit.

Meanwhile, Times-Mirror Publishing, Ziff-Davis, the L.A. Times, the N.Y. Times, CNN, the Washington Post, Newsweek, and Kathy Lee Gifford all agreed that it was a landmark move. According to William Spangler, Electronics and Pet Food Editor for the Boston Globe, “[Microsoft's] recent acquisition of the trademark symbol will benefit computer users worldwide. It’s a technological breakthrough. As always, the rest of the computer industry is just struggling to play catch-up.”

So, what does the future hold for Microsoft and its latest acquisition? Microsoft Ministry of Information spokeswoman Alice Gilbert says that Microsoft is moving quickly on similar purchases. “Our next [acquisition] will be the ‘service mark’ symbol. We already have the paperwork in place for it.” Gilbert stated that the new symbol would be ‘sMS’, following the trend set by the new trademark symbol.

“It’s a natural for us,” concluded Gilbert. But apparently, the sky is not the limit at Microsoft. “We’d also looked into acquiring the rights to the ‘registered’ trademark symbol, but several representatives from the Ministry of Technology determined that doing so would lead to an infinite loop in the trademark registry — and the only place where we permit infinite loops is in our software. Our standards are very high here at Microsoft.”

But that fact has not deterred the software and marketing giant. “Instead, we’re looking into purchasing the entire Patent and Trademark Office,” stated Schexnader.

No one at the Patent and Trademark Office could be reached for comment Tuesday.

Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio, HumourNet Communications Ltd. All Rights Reserved; permission is hereby granted to forward or post “Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol,” provided that the by-line (above) and this copyright statement are included.

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CORPORATE DIRECTIVE NUMBER 88-570471

In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities, and to avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities, new rules are being put into effect concerning the selection of passwords. All users of computing facilities are instructed to change their passwords to conform to these rules immediately.

RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS:

1. A password must be at least six characters long, and must not contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order. Example: HGQQXP is an invalid password. GFEDCB is an invalid password.

2. A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position as any previous password. Example: If a previous password was GKPWTZ, then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in both passwords.

3. A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation for a month. Example: MARCHBC is an invalid password. VWMARBC is an invalid password.

4. A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month. Therefore, a password containing any number except zero is invalid. Example: WKBH3LG is invalid because it contains the numeric representation for the month of March.

5. A password may not contain any words from any language. Thus, a password may not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT, ME, or TO because these are all words.

6. A password may not contain sequences of two or more characters which are adjacent to each other on a keyboard in a horizontal, vertical, or diagonal direction. Example: QWERTY is an invalid password. GHNLWT is an invalid password because G and H are horizontally adjacent to each other. HUKWVM is an invalid password because H and U are diagonally adjacent to each other.

7. A password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing. Example: JOHNBOY is an invalid password.

Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is actually only one password which passes all the tests. To make the selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed to all supervisors. All users are instructed to obtain this password from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately.

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ORIGAMI
Art of paper folding. In order to obtain a nice and effectiveness result, put the floppy in the disk drive after folding it several times in different directions. With a little luck, you should be able to get it jammed. Now, ask yourself. How can your disk get damaged if you can’t even get it out of the drive?

SMOKE
Use cigarettes or anything that could be burnt. When you are smoking, blow directly to your disk. In that way, you will be able to destroy it soon, and if you are lucky, damage the drive as well.

PIRANHAS
If you don’t have any at home, you can use a stapler, a clip, or simply write down on the disk label with a hard point pencil or pen. This wonderful method of “caring” for disks also often gives you a pretty bite-like design on the remaining pieces of the disk.

MAGNETS
They are wonderful. You can find them in the telephone, in some paper weights, and stuck on the frige door. If you can’t find any, you can leave the floppies on the printer or on your display for a while, making sure that they are on.

MAIL
Put a disk in an envelope and don’t write any warning on it; then mail it to someone, and that’s all.

MAGIC TOUCH
Touch your floppy. As much as you can. If you have marmelade or butter in your fingers, better. Your floppy will acknowledge it.

DON’T USE ANY ENVELOPE
Archive them wihtout their envelope, piled under a lot of papers and manuals.

DON’T MAKE BACKUPS
Of course, if you don’t have any security copy, you won’t have to worry about how to destroy them once you have lost the original.

SUPREME STUPIDITY
It is the best way of destroying floppies. If you practice it regularly, you’ll find new methods to add to this list.

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Newsflash

Microsoft today announced that it will be changing its name to “Moft” — which will clear up space on user’s hard disks. It is estimated that a typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,800,000 copies of the word “Microsoft”, in copyright notices, end-user licence agreements, ‘About’ screens, etc. So, after the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space. Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the announcement.

“Well, the programs will take up less space on the user’s disk,” said Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. “But we have never cared about that. The change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving about $50 million a year in media costs. We are also looking at shortening the names of some of our software products; for instance ‘The Microsoft Exchange’ may be changed to ‘The Moft Pit’.

Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings has been rewarded with a free copy of ‘Moft Off for Moft Win 95′. E-mail this joke to your friends!

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In the beginning, God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.

And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.

And God said – Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said – Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.

And God said – Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.

And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big… And told them – Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

And God said – I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.

And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but do not use Windows.

And God said – It is not good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer’s body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.

And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.

But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User – Did God really tell you not to run any programs?

And the User answered – God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.

And Bill said to the User – How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.

And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless–since Windows could replace it.

So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.

And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him–What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered–I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said – Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said – It was Bill who told us to!

And God said to Bill – Because of what you did, you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.

And God said to the User – Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.

And God said to the Programmer – Because you listened to the User, you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.

General Protection Fault

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