Encyclopedia of Humor

Theme music from Peter Gunn: My name is David. What people call me is something else entirely. I’m a P.I. It says so on my door. I would have been here to take your call, but then… she walked in. She was the kind of dame that could make Mr. Spock speak French. Her baby blues wouldn’t let me turn her case down, so leave me a clue of your identity after the tone and I’ll track you down. Here’s lookin’ at you, kid.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Hi! This is Mary. I’m afflicted with lysdexic procrastination. Please leave your message before the tone and I’ll get around to getting it straight.

You have reached the Des Moines chapter of the Iowa Procrastination Society. Please leave a message after the tone and we’ll get around to it…

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.