Encyclopedia of Humor

The Centre for Disease Control in Atlanta today announced the identification of a new disease.

Tentatively named Acquired Paint Shop Pro Syndrome, the disease is highly infectious. Scientists at CDC say the disease is caused by a bacillus called staphloaibrush because of its brush-like shape. Under the microscope the bacillus is long and slender with a bristle like appendage at one end.

Symptoms of the disease include feverish babbling of words, such as , blade, image, fill, and talking about invisible friends such as Kittypoo, Luv2pnt,and Qeen etc. Additionally, symptoms include feverish trading and storing of filters, masks and plug-ins, and a ‘groaning Graphics folder.

The disease is especially dangerous because it cannot only be passed along directly from one infected individual to another, but documented cases have been found where the sufferer caught the disease from reading a tutorial or joining a graphics exchange group.

The CDC says that while the disease is especially prevalent on an Internet Server called America Online cases have been found on other Servers around the globe.

Family members should be aware that while the disease may occasionally enter remission, it is at present incurable.

The patient should be given a quiet corner with a comfortable chair, ample supply of snack type treats, and good lighting. Interruptions should be minimized.

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says “Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!”

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked “How did you do it?”

“Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, “Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!”

The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. “Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”

“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up.” “Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.” “Not so fast, McGrath!”

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: “What’s a lightbulb?”
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, “Daaady!”