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WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP, Sept. 2, 2002) — Senate Majority Leader Ray Noorda (P-Utah) today demanded that the Department of Justice order Microsoft and Netscape to cease development of new Internet browsers, saying the ever-escalating battle for Internet dominance had sapped the American economy of its vitality.

In an impassioned speech before the Perotista-controlled Senate, Noorda, once a key figure in the information technology industry, claimed American workers and shoppers are so consumed with downloading new browser versions, Netscape plug-ins and Microsoft ActiveX Controls that they no longer have time to produce anything of value or to consume products. “We have been transformed from a nation of thinkers and doers to a nation of downloaders worried about whether we are keeping up with the technological Joneses,” Noorda said.

Noorda’s comments came only a day after Netscape released Version 407 of its Navigator browser, which includes the ability to listen to AM radio from any laptop. Version 407 had just completed its 37-hour beta trial, while versions 408, 409, 410 and 411 are in development. Microsoft, which has been criticized of late for slipping behind Netscape in the browser race, vowed to deliver Version 405 of its Internet Explorer “before the next major religious holiday,” though company spokesman Jim Manzi declined to specify which religion the company was referring to. Mark Gibbs, author of IDG Books’ best-selling “Deleting Old Browsers for Dummies”, said the continuing instability in the Internet market has virtually halted development of new applications. “How can you build to a platform that only lasts 51 days?” asked Gibbs. “The only apps being developed now are crossword puzzles and 3-D, rotatable crossword applets.”

According to research firm International Data Corp., the average PC user now has 62 browsers installed. That has significantly limited the usefulness of the desktop machine because each “browser/operating system/object bucket/API repository” consumes a minimum of 1G bytes of storage and requires 256M bytes of RAM to operate (somewhat less if the touchscreen option is disabled). Intel Corp. recommends the use of at least a 757-MHz Decadium processor to support current browsers. “There is no capacity left to run any other application,” said IDC Chief Executive Officer Bob Frankenberg. “Our PCs, in essence, are simply containers for browsers.”

In the late 1990′s, it was hoped that the browser model of accessing information would actually allow for the development of simpler, less expensive desktop devices that would rely on applications and data housed on Internet servers. But the dream of the so-called Internet device died with the release of Internet Explorer Version 231, which cracked the 800M byte storage requirement and supported some 257,462 ActiveX, DirectDraw, VB, DirectX, VisualX++ and InActiveX Controls.

“It’s a shame, really,” said former Oracle CEO Lawrence Ellison, who was a vocal proponent of the Internet device idea at the time. “We could have been freed from the Web of Microsoft control, no pun intended. But Bill outmaneuvered us again,” added “Big Larry” Ellison, who now runs the Used Cars ‘R’ Us operation on the Auto Mile in Redwood City, Calif.

In response to Noorda’s call for federal intervention, the Justice Department issued an electronic press release available on its Web site www.bookem.gov.

“We firmly believe the free market is the best arbiter of whether development should continue on Web browsers and servers.”

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Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets. Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store, Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond’ring, fearing, Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token. “Save!” I said, “You cursed mother! Save my data from before!” One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just, “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion? These were choices undesired, ones I’d never faced before. Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, >From “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key. But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before. Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard. I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore. Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. Reading, “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted. Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core. The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even, “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go. What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored, Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes? But sure as there’s C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading, “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”

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A Microsoft support man goes to a firing range. He shoots 10 bullets at the target 50m away. Then the supervisors check the target and see that there’s not even a single hit, and they shout to him that he missed completely. So he tells them to recheck, and gets the same answer. Then he put his finger at the top of the gun and shoots, blasting off his finger. When he saw it he shouted back “I don’t know, it’s working perfectly here, the problem must yours…”

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Unix
You shoot yourself in the foot.

DOS
You keep running up against the one-bullet barrier.

MS-Windows
The gun blows up in your hand.

Windows NT
The gun is so huge and unwieldy that you have to keep swapping it from one hand to the other.

OS/2
The gun and the bullet aren’t speaking to each other any more.

Mac Finder
It’s easy to shoot yourself in the foot — just point and shoot.

AIX
You can shoot yourself in the foot with either a .38 or a .45.

IRIX
The Terminator shoots you in the foot. A T-Rex bites your other foot.

SVR4
The gun isn’t compatible with your foot.

Minix
You learn how to shoot yourself in the foot with a Saturday Night Special.

Linux
Generous programmers from around the world all join forces to help you shoot yourself in the foot for free.

HURD
You’ll be able to shoot yourself in the foot Real Soon Now.

VM/CMS
IBM shoots you in the foot.

VMS
FOOT ambiguous: supply more toes.

AMIGA-DOS
The gun works pretty well, except that few people use one and it’s impossible to find bullets.

Mach
The bullets work pretty well, but they don’t make guns for it any more.

Cray
You shoot yourself in the foot with an Uzi.

MasPar
You shoot all of your friends’ feet simultaneously.

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A programmer had been missing from work for over a week when finally someone noticed and called the cops.

They went round to his flat and broke the door down. They found him dead in the still running shower with an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body. Apparently he’d been washing his hair.

The instructions on the bottle said:

* Wet hair
* Apply shampoo
* Wait 2 minutes
* Rinse
* Repeat

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