Encyclopedia of Humor

Cust: what is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program ?
UNIX: yes, that’s correct.
Cust: no, what is it ?
UNIX: yes.
Cust: so, which is the one ?
UNIX: no.’which’ is used to find the program.
Cust: stop this. who are you ?
UNIX: use ‘who am i’ not ‘who r yoo’.you can also ‘finger yoo’ to get information about ‘yoo’.
Cust: all i want to know is what finds the revision code ?
UNIX: use ‘what’.
Cust: that’s what i am trying to find out. isn’t that true ?
UNIX: no. ‘true’ gives you 0.
Cust: which one ?
UNIX: ‘true’ gives you 0. ‘which programname’
Cust: let’s get back to my problem. what program? how do i find it?
UNIX: type ‘find/-name it’ to find ‘it’.type ‘what program’ to get the revision code.
Cust: i want to find the revision code.
UNIX: you can’t ‘find revisioncode’, you must use ‘what program’.
Cust: which command will do what i need?
UNIX: no. ‘which command’ will find ‘command’.
Cust: i think i understand. let me write that.
UNIX: you can ‘write that’ only if ‘that’ is a user on your system.
Cust: write what?
UNIX: no. ‘write that’.'what program’.
Cust: cut that out!
UNIX: yes. those are valid files for ‘cut’.don’t forget the options.
Cust: do you always do this ?
UNIX: ‘du’ will give you disk usage.
Cust: HELP!
UNIX: ‘help’ is only used for Source Code Control System(SCCS).
Cust: you make me angry.
UNIX: no, I don’t ‘make me’ angry but i did ‘make programname’ when i was upset once.
Cust: i don’t want to make trouble, so no more.
UNIX: no ‘more’? ‘which’ will help you find ‘more’. every system has ‘more’.
Cust: nice help! I’m confused more now.
UNIX: understand that since ‘help’ is such a small program, it is better not to ‘nice help’. and ‘more now’ is not allowed but ‘at now’ is. Unless of course ‘now’ is a file name.
Cust: this is almost as confusing as my PC.
UNIX: i didn’t know you needed help with ‘pc’.let me get you to the Pascal compiler team.

Assembler programs are written with short abbreviations called MNEMONICS, in other words instead of writing GOTO, the programmer writes JMP or even BRA (branch). These instructions are frequently abbreviated into total incomprehensibility.

Of course, we all know that abbreviations are arbitrary. Anyone who has spent any time programming in assembler knows that all computers can be programmed using an undocumented set of instructions. Frequently when an error is made writing a program in assembler a user can actually see the program executing the undocumented instructions.

These instructions vary from machine from machine, but all computers have a certain set of them in common. As a service to humanity, I am here revealing these common instructions for the first time.

ARG : Agree to Run Garbage
BDM : Branch and Destroy Memory
CMN : Convert to Mayan Numerals
DDS : Damage Disk and Stop
EMR : Emit Microwave Radiation
ETO : Emulate Toaster Oven
FSE : Fake Serious Error
GSI : Garble Subsequent Instructions
GQS : Go Quarter Speed
HEM : Hide Evidence of Malfunction
IDD : Inhale Dust and Die
IKI : Ignore Keyboard Input
IMU : Irradiate and Mutate User
JPF : Jam Paper Feed
JUM : Jeer at Users Mistake
KFP : Kindle Fire in Printer
LNM : Launch Nuclear Missiles
MAW : Make Aggravating Whine
NNI : Neglect Next Instruction
OBU : Overheat and Burn if Unattended
PNG : Pass Noxious Gas
QWF : Quit Working Forever
QVC : Question Valid Command
RWD : Read Wrong Device
SCE : Simulate Correct Execution
SDJ : Send Data to Japan
TTC : Tangle Tape and Crash
UBC : Use Bad Chip
VDP : Violate Design Parameters
VMB : Verify and Make Bad
WAF : Warn After Fact
XID : eXchange Instruction with data
YII : Yield to Irresistible Impulse
ZAM : Zero All Memory

A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking for a monkey. The storeowner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.

“The one to the left costs $500,” says the storeowner.

“Why so much?” asks the customer.

“Because it can program in C,” answers the storeowner.

The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told that “That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology.”

The startled man then asks about the third monkey.

“That one costs $3000,” answers the storeowner.

“$3000!” exclaims the man. “What can that one do?”

To which the owner replies, “To be honest, I’ve never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant.”

Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction — from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn’t work.

The following is a conversation overheard as Bill Gates was moving into his new house…

Bill: “There are a few issues we need to discuss.”

Contractor: “Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?”

Bill: “Uh, yeah… the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated.”

Contractor: “Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date.”

Bill: “We won’t be able to fit all our furniture in there.”

Contractor: “Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker.”

Bill: “Stacker?”

Contractor: “Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch… the chairs on the table… etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you’re done.”

Bill: “Uh… I dunno… issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won’t fit. The threads run the wrong way.”

Contractor: “Oh! That’s easy. Those bulbs aren’t plug and play. You’ll have to upgrade to the new bulbs.”

Bill: “And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?”

Contractor: “Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system.”

Bill: “You’re kidding!?”

Contractor: “Nope. Its the only way.”

Bill: ” Well… I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won’t stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don’t work.”

Contractor: “That’s a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures.”

Bill: “And how do I fix that?”

Contractor: “Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work.”

Bill: “That’s the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?”

Contractor: “Hey, if you don’t like it nobody made you buy it.”

Bill: “And when will this be fixed?”

Contractor: “Oh, in your next house — which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we’ve had some delays…”