Encyclopedia of Humor

DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, jump off…

Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions about the flight, they reply that you don’t want to know, don’t need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants couteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.

OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty – only a few prospective passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway. Airline personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe until mid-1995. Maybe longer.

Fly Windows NT: Passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac and place them in the outline of a plane. They sit down, flap their arms, and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.

Unix Express: Passengers bring a piece of the airplane and a box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing about what kind of plane they want to build. The passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft but give them all the same name. Only some passengers reach their destinations, but _all_ of them believe they arrived.

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,331:

* 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed

* 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

* 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

* 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

* 53 to flame the spell checkers

* 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

* 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

* 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

* 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

* 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.

* 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

* 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

* 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

* 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

* 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add “Me Too.”

* 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversey.

* 19 to quote the “Me Too’s” to say, “Me Three.”

* 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

* 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

* 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.

* 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

MS-DOS: You get in the car and try to remember where you put the keys.

WINDOWS: You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because attached to the back of the car is a freight train.

MAC SYSTEM 7: You get in the car to go to the store and the car drives you to church.

UNIX: You get in the car and type GREP STORE. After reaching 2000 mph en route, you arrive at the barber’s shop.

WINDOWS NT: You get in the car and write a letter that says ‘go to the store’. Then you get out of the car and nail the letter to the dashboard.

TALIGENT/PINK: You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban who tells you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his Learjet.

OS/2: After fuelling up with 6000 gallons of gas you get in the car and drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everyone in town.

S/36 SSP: You get in the car and drive to the store. Halfway there you run out of gas. While walking the rest of the way you are run over by kids on mopeds.

AS/400: An attendant kicks you into the car and then drives you to the store where you watch everyone else buy filets mignon.

Two men walked into a bar.

You would think at least one of them would have ducked.

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator,” he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. “Never mind,” he said with a hiccup, “I got in the back seat by mistake.”