Encyclopedia of Humor

Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician.
The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identi-fication number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do that now.

My name is Spam.
Spam I Am.
I have some stuff I’d like to sell.
Take a look! It’s really swell!

I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it, Spam I Am.

Spam I Am:
$500 software that really rocks!
Just 20 bucks–still in the box!

You are really full of bunk.
I do not want your bootleg junk!
I do not want your worthless Spam.
I do not want it Spam I Am.

Spam I Am:
How about some fast cash?
Fifty Thousand in a flash!!!

How stupid do you think I am?
I won’t join your shady scam.
You are a sucker, you silly gitch.
If it worked, we’d all be rich!
I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it Spam I Am.

Spam I Am:
Check out this great idea of mine!
For Web Hosting and Design!

I went to your site; it really sucks!
For this you’re charging lots of bucks?
You could at least learn to spell.
Why don’t you just go to hell.
I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it Spam I Am.

Don’t pretend your ads are new.
You insult us when you do.
I won’t buy your worthless stocks.
Our heads are not full of rocks
Stop it Spam. Enough’s enough.
I do not want your trashy stuff!
I do not want your damn spam!
I do not want it Spam I Am!

1. The company CEO has moved from the corner office to the ledge outside the corner office.

2. The manager informs you that the drinks in the company fridge haven’t been free and hands you a $4,800 Snapple bill.

3. The company president asks if anyone has a problem giving out a little astrological advice over the phone while they work.

4. The head of R&D is spending more and more time in the park across street with a metal detector he refers to as his “search engine.”

5. There’s now 10-year-old Indonesian boys on either side of you assembling Nike running shoes.

6. Management is now using copies of the company prospectus exclusively for rolling papers.

7. Next time you see the company’s founder, he is wearing a paper hat and telling you which one is the Diet Coke.

8. The human resources manager informs you that (though it wasn’t spelled out in black and white) giving conventioneers body massages was indeed implied in your job description, and that it could also involve a little “converging,” if you know what he means.

9. You arrive at work to find that all the computers have been replaced with Etch-a-Sketches.

10. Your boss concedes that he might be out of his teens before he’s able to retire.

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the New South African edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside South Africa. If you have one of the New South African editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The New South African edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads “E WINDOWS 98″ with a background picture of a Mageu bottle superimposed on a Orlando Pirates flag. It is shipped with a Black Label screen saver.

New Features:
OK = samblief
Cancel = Aikona
Undo = auk! mistake!
Redo = aikona, not mistake!
Save = Ekke ek bere hom
find = Ekke ek soek hom
help = ah dunno
start = stat
settings = (pre-set on this edition)
run = hamba
personal folder = my thieengs
Shut Down = Chaila

Some programs that are exclusive to “E Windows 98″

MS Werd = a word processor
calculata = calculator
scratch peppa = notepad
Jive Box = CD player
I Explora = Microsoft Internet Explorer
piktchas = a graphics viewer
Stockvel = M/S accounting software
Shebeen = Shortcut to a website with a list of
local off-sales and their prices.
Black Label tax records = usually an empty file
Fafi = game replacing Solitaire

We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you received a copy of the New South African edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?

A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?

A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise, things can wait until tomorrow.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles ended?

A: That was the development phase of the project. Now we’re in the maintenance phase.

Q: Who is Satan?

A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so nonprogrammers become scared of him. God thinks he’s irritating but irrelevant.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?

A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?

A: Change your password every month and don’t make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?

A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?

A: They are much more likely to receive email