Encyclopedia of Humor

A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, “Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I’m so mad, I can’t even see straight.” The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, “Gimme another one.” The bartender pours the drink, but says, “Now, before I give you this, why don’t you let off a little steam and tell me why you’re so upset?”

So, the man begins his tale. “Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, “Wow, this has never happened before.” You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I’d like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn’t believe this was happening, and I hadn’t had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true.”

He continued, “She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door.”

“The blonde says, ‘Oh my god, it’s my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he’s gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!’”

“So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn’t hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he’s bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn’t see me.”

The bartender says “Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point.”

“Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, ‘Who you been with now, you witch?’ The girl says, ‘Nobody, honey, now calm down.’”

Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I’m thinking, ‘Boy, I’m glad I didn’t hide in there.’ Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn’t hide under there either. Then I heard him say, ‘What’s that over there by the window?’ I think, ‘Oh God, I’m dead meat now.’

But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he’s gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!”

The bartender says, “Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure.” “No, that didn’t really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They’re a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass.”

The bartender looks at the guy’s hands and says, “Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset.”

“No, that wasn’t what really got me so angry though.”

The bartender then asks in exasperation, “Well, then, what did finally make you anger?”

“Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down–I was only about six inches off the ground.”

There is an OLD story about the data center of the future.

This data center runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog.

The man’s job is to feed the dog.

The dog’s job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer.

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says “I want you to see this.” She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “what do you have to say about this experiment?”

He responds by saying: “If I drink whiskey, I won’t get worms!”

Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically challenged, you “ain’t seen nuthin’ yet.” This is an excerpt from a “Wall Street Journal” article.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door.

4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.

5. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it “couldn’t find printer” The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn’t “see” the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. ” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.

8. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under “Windows.” The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine.”

9. Tech Support: “O.K. Bob, let’s press control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter “P” to bring up the Program Manager.” Customer: “I don’t have a “P”. Tech: “On your keyboard, Bob.” Customer: “What do you mean?” Tech: “P” on your keyboard, Bob.” Customer: “I’m not going to do that!!!”

Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened to her, and then said, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.”

The wife thought that might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in.

This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don’t you think?”

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, “I guess we might as well. I’ll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!”