Encyclopedia of Humor

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, “Sir, what are you doing!?!”

The man turned toward the teller and said, “Oh, nothing – just looking around.”

You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

You call your son’s beeper to let him know that it is time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, “What’s for dinner?”

Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

You chat several times a day with someone from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

Your daughter just bought a single CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.

Your grandmother clogs up your email inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.

You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

You’ve printed this out and are reading it in the “library.”

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal- Mart “associate” standing there with dark shades on. She says, “Excuse me sir…can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am I’m blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.”

She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, “That’s a 6′ graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line…It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00″.

She says, “That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it.”

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her…being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, “That will be $25.50.”

She says, “But didn’t you say it was $20.00?”

He says, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50.”

Translated from Latin scroll dated 2BC –

Dear Cassius:

Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven’t much time left. I don’t know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.

I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn’t done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won’t work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? MACROHARD will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.

The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usery rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. Its an ill wind ……

As for myself, I just can’t see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won’t arrive until it’s all over. I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.

Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops.

If you have any ideas please let me know,

Plutonius

Q: What is Helen Keller’s favorite color?
A1: Corduroy.
A2: Velcro.

Q. Why is all of Helen Keller’s face burnt?
A. She was bobbing for french fries.

Q: How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
A: She answer the iron.

Q: How did she burn the other side of her face?
A: They called back.

Q: Why was Helen Keller’s leg wet?
A: Her dog was blind too.

Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A. she needs the other to moan with.

Q. How did she burn her fingers?
A. Reading the waffle iron

Q. What did she do when she fell down the well?
A. She screamed and screamed until her hands turned blue.

Q. How come she didn’t scream when she fell off the cliff?
A. She was wearing mittens

Q. Why does she wear skin tight pants?
A. So you can read her lips

Q. Why did Helen Keller’s dog commit suicide?
A. You would too if your name was ‘Urghrrghrghr’.

Q. Have you heard of the new Helen Keller doll?
A. Wind it up and it walks into walls.

Q. What’s this (slowly waving fingers)?
A. Helen Keller moaning

Q: Who is the cruelest man in the world?
A: The guy who raped Helen Keller, then cut off her hands so she couldn’t
scream for help.

Q: How come Helen Keller can’t have kids??
A: Because she’s DEAD!

Q. How did Helen Keller drive herself crazy?
A. Trying to read a stucco wall.

Q: What did HK’s parent’s do to punish her?
A1: Rearranged the furniture
A2: Left the plunger in the toilet bowl
A3: Put Saran Wrap on the toilet.
A4: Put her in a round room and told her there’s a penny in the corner
A5: Washed her hands out with soap
A6: Gave her bird-seed to read.
A7: Glued doorknobs to the walls

Q: Why can’t Helen Keller drive a car?
A1: She’s a woman.
A2: She’s dead.

Q: How did Helen Keller break her arm in the car?
A: Trying to read stop signs.

Q: How did HK get poke marks on her face?
A: Learning to eat with a fork.

Q: What’s the name of Helen Keller’s favorite book?
A: “Around the block in 80 Days”

Q: Define true love.
A: Hellen Keller and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.

Q: Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in the backyard?
A: Neither did she.

Q: How did Helen Keller drive her car?
A: One hand on the wheel; The other on the road.

Q: How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
A: On a blind date!

Q: How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?
A: Answering the stapler.

Q: How did Helen Keller’s teachers punish her for talking in class?
A: They made her wear mittens.

Q: Why didn’t Helen Keller change her baby’s diaper?
A: So she could always find him.

Q: Why did Helen Keller have yellow fingers?
A: from whispering sweet-nothings in her boyfriends ear

Q: How did Helen Keller pick her eyes out?
A: She shouted histerically.