Encyclopedia of Humor

Top Holiday Traditions In The Military

9. Gluing Santa beard to your gas mask

8. Roasting chestnuts with an M4-A3 flamethrower

7. Draw up list of who’s naughty, who’s nice and who can’t run their 2 miles without wheezing like an infant

6. Christmas morning, getting to sleep in till 0530

5. You open a gift and surprise! It’s a khaki-colored t-shirt

4. Extra R&R for any personnel named Donner or Blitzen

3. There’s always plenty of parking at the mall when you’re driving a tank

2. Watching “Frosty” and crying my eyes out

1. Freeze-dried, shelf-stable, vacuum-sealed eggnog

The company commander saw the results of Private Gibbson’s Firing exercise and his face fell. The private exclaimed plaintively: “Sir, I think I am going to commit suicide by shooting myself.”
“By shooting?” reasked the company commander, “Not a bad idea! But take as many cartridges as possible.”

When asked what he thought about the new squad radio, one Army sergeant told the man from the R&D agency: “This squad radio should be replaced with a good whistle.”

Little grandson asked: “Granddaddy, when you were in the Army and were posted as sentry at night, were you afraid?”
“I was, grand sonny, but only until I fell asleep.”

Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.

Dear China,

We’re sorry you don’t train your fighter pilots better. As a token of our apology, here’s a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000.

We’re also sorry your front-line fighter planes can’t outmaneuver a 35-year old prop-driven airliner. Perhaps you’d like to purchase some surplus 1950′s-era Lockheed Starfighters from Taiwan…since they just replaced all theirs with new F-16′s.

We’re also sorry you believe your territorial waters extend all the way to Australia. For future reference, here’s an American 6th grade geography textbook. (Please note the Copyright information printed inside the cover.)

In addition, we’re sorry you can’t seem to see your part of this incident. We know it seems easier to blame others than to take responsibility. Consider this while we build several new Aegis destroyers for our friends in Taiwan.

Finally, we’re sorry we granted you Most-Favored-Nation trading status. This will be rectified at the soonest possible opportunity. Along those lines, we’re especially sorry we treated you with such respect for the last 20 years. We’ll definitely rethink this policy, and will probably go back to treating you like a street gang very soon.

Sincerely,

The People of the United States of America

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.

The longer the title the less important the job.

The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.

The meek shall inherit the earth, but only after we’re done with it.

The meek shall inherit the earth, but not it’s mineral rights.

The moment for calm and rational discussion is past; now is the time for senseless bickering.

The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.

The more directives you issue to solve a problem, the worse it gets.

The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher probability of its success.

The more things change, the more they stay insane.

The first time is for love, the next time is $200.

The floggings will continue until morale improves.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. – Eleanor Roosevelt

The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.

The hardness of the butter is in inverse proportion to the softness of the bread.

The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

The idea is to die young as late as possible.

The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.

The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.

The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish