Encyclopedia of Humor

British Military Officer Fitness Reports

The British Military writes OFR’s (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people’s “206′s”….

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. – He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope – always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

These are actual phrases from Officer Efficiency Reports (performance appraisal for the military officers).

“Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.”

“Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.”

“A room temperature IQ.”

“Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.”

“A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

“A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”

“A prime candidate for natural deselection.”

“Bright as Alaska in December.”

“One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.”

“Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

“Fell out of the family tree.”

“Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

“Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

“He’s so dense, light bends around him.”

“If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.”

“If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

“If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”

“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”

“Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.”

“Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.”

“Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

A young Air Force 2nd Lieutenant had just arrived at Misawa AFB in Japan.

He’d been given a beautiful renovated office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw an enlisted man come into his outer office.

Wishing to appear the hot shot, the officer picked up the phone and started to pretend he was exchanging chit chat with the Base Commander.

He threw Colonel’s and General’s names around and talked about letting them stay in his Daddy’s condo in Hawaii, and then set up a golfing date between him, the Base Commander, and the CO’s of the Naval Security Group and Naval Air Facility.

Finally he hung up and asked the Sergeant, “Can I help you sergeant?”

The TSGT said, “Yes sir, I’m here to activate your phone lines.”

How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men (Or Army Men)

He does not have a beer gut…
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.(regular guys)
He has a personal war reserve stock.(army guys)

He is not quiet…
He is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is a SAMS grad.

He is not stupid…
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He is a field grade.

He does not get lost all the time…
He discovers Alternative Destinations.
He gets temporarily misoriented.

He is not balding…
He is in Follicle Regression.
He has a REALLY squared away high and tight.

He is not a cradle robber…
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He is breaking the new fraternization policies.

He does not get falling-down drunk…
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He practices his IMTs in the club.

He is not short…
He is Anatomically Compact.
He suffers from a Napoleon Complex.

He does not have a rich daddy…
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
He has the Army as a hobby.

He does not constantly talk about cars…
He has a Vehicular Addiction.
He must be a Transporter.

He does not have a hot body…
He is Physically Combustible.
He is a PT stud.

He is not unsophisticated…
He is Socially Challenged.
He is a Ranger.

He does not eat like a pig…
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He eats like a Ranger student at Pizza Hut.

He is not a bad dancer…
He is Overly Caucasian.
He is from the Muddy Boots Army.

He does not hog the blankets…
He is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is a Blue Falcon.

He is not a male chauvinist pig…
He has Swine Empathy.
He must be combat arms.

He is not afraid of commitment…
He is Monogamously Challenged.
He loves TDY.

Two dogfaces were digging a foxhole.

“What made you join the Army?” asked one.

“Well, I read one of the posters that said: Join the Army and see the world! And I been doin’ it – a shovelful at a time.”