Encyclopedia of Humor

A woman golfer suffers a nasty bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it.

“What happened?” asked the doctor.

“I got stung between the first and second hole,” replied the lady golfer.

The doctor replied, “You must have an awfully wide stance!”

There were these two best friends out playing golf one beautiful day. After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was even close to the fairway. One friend hit it way left, the other way right.

They decided that since the shots were so bad, they’d just meet up at the hole.

So the first guy went off and looked and looked and finally found his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. He promptly pulled out his 7 iron and started whacking away. Buttercups were flying everywhere, but the ball wouldn’t come out.

Well, finally Mother Nature got mad.

She came up from the ground and said to the man, “I’ve created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I’m going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups, your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year.”

The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups.

Mother Nature said, “Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?”

The man looked up and said, “My buddy is over on the other side in the Pussywillows.”

A man was golfing. He walked up to a woman standing nearby him and said, “I’m sorry, I can’t seem to remember what hole I’m on.” And the woman replied, “Well, I’m on hole 6, and you are one hold behind me, so you must be on hole 5.” He thanked her and walked away.

A few minutes later he approached her. Again he asked the same question, “I can’t remember what hole I’m on. Can you tell me?” And again the woman replied, “Well I’m on hole 10, and you’re one hole behind me, so you must be on hole 9.”

That was the last time he spoke to her, and they both finished their games seperately.

Later that night the man saw the woman at a bar. He walked up to her and started up a conversation. Making small talk, he asked her what she did for a living. “I don’t want to say. You’ll laugh,” she replied. “Oh, give me a shot. Just tell me who you work for.” “Well, ok. But promise not to laugh.” (He promised.)

“I work for Tampax, you know, the feminine protection company.” After she spoke, the man started cracking up. “See? I told you you’d laugh,” she said. “No, no,” the man said. “It’s not that. It’s just that I work for Preparation-H, so I’m always one hole behind you!!”

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”

“No, I wouldn’t,” he said.

She said, “I sell tampons.”

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, “Dad, if you don’t stop fooling around, we won’t bring you next time.”