Encyclopedia of Humor

The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about 0.6.

The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions and littered with sloppy analysis.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

The simplest subjects are the ones you don’t know anything about.

The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.

The solving of a problem lies in finding the solvers.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up!

The squeaky wheel doesn’t always get the grease; sometimes it gets replaced.

The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available

The incidence of coincidence is so prevalent, that it cannot be considered coincidence.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both their wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head.

Both were shot in the presence of their wives. The Secretary of each President warned them not to go to the theater and to Dallas, respectively.

Lincoln’s Secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy’s Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names have 15 letters.

Booth ran from the theater and was captured in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from the warehouse and was captured in a theater.

To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trial.

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.

Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist!

After dinner one evening a George W. Bush was entertaining their house guest by playing the piano.

At one point he turned to the visitor, a fat conservative talk show host, and said, “I understand you love music.”

“Yes,” murmured the guest politely. “But never you mind. Keep right on playing …”

The only sense that is common in the long run is the sense of change. We instinctively avoid it.

The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong.

The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who developed it.

The other line always moves faster.

The paperless office will become a reality about the same time as the paperless toilet.

The person not here is the one working on the problem.

The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building.

The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that’s the way to bet.