Encyclopedia of Humor

Anthony’s Law of Force: Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.

Anthony’s Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner or the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes.

Baker’s Law: Misery no longer loves company, Nowadays it insists on it. – Columnist Russell Baker

Banacek’s Eighteenth Polish Proverb: The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon by the bee.

Barker’s Proof: Proofreading is more effective after publication.

Becker’s Law: It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. – Jules Becker & Co. (Becker goes on to claim that his law permeates industry as well as government, “…once a person has been hired inertia sets in, and the employer would rather settle for the current employee’s incompetence and idiosyncrasies than look for a new employee.”)

Belle’s Constant: The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is about 0.6. – from a 1977 JIR article of the same title by Daniel McIvor and Olsen Belle, in which it is observed that knowledge of this constant is most useful in planning long-range projects. It is based on such things as an analysis of an eight hour workday in which only 4.8 hours are actually spent working (or 0.6 of the time available), with the rest being spent on coffee breaks, bathroom visits, resting, walking, fiddling around, and trying to determine what to do next.

Bennett’s Laws of Horticulture: (1) Houses are for people to live in. (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.

Berkeley’s Laws: (1) The world is more complicated than most of our theories make it out to be. (2) Ignorance is no excuse. (3) Never decide to buy something while listening to the salesman. (4) Most problems have either many answers or no answer. Only a few problems have a single answer. (5) Most general statements are false, including this one. (6) An exception – test a rule; it never proves it. (7) The moment you have worked out an answer, start checking it; it probably isn’t right. (8) If there is an opportunity to make a mistake, sooner or later the mistake will be made. (9) Check the answer you have worked out once more – before you tell anybody. – Edmund C. Berkeley

Approval Seeker’s Law: Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least. – Washington writer Rozanne Weissman

The Aquinas Axiom: What the gods get away with, the cows don’t.

Army Axiom: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.

Arnold’s Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn’t. (2) If it does exist, it’s out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.

Astrology Laws: It’s always the wrong time of the month. – Rozanne Weissman

Avery’s Rule of Three: Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job – it’s the start of a brand new series of three.

Baer’s Quartet: What’s good politics is bad economics; what’s bad politics is good economics; what’s good economics is bad politics; what’s bad economics is good politics. – Eugene Baer (Baer also allows that it can be restated somewhat more compactly as “What’s good politics is bad economics and vice versa, vice versa.”)

Bagdikian’s Observation: Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach’s “St. Matthew Passion” on a ukelele.

Baker’s First Law of Federal Geometry: A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors.

Acheson’s Rule Of The Bureaucracy: A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer. – Dean Acheson

Action’s Law: Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Adler’s Distinction: Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, and from the bureaucrats.

Advertising Rule: In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, that it is curable.

Air Force Inertia Axiom: Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.

Allen’s Distinction: The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep. – Woody Allen

Albrecht’s Law: Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being.

Alden’s Laws: (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy. (2) Always be backlit. (3) Sit down whenever possible.

Andrea’s Admonition: Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. If you think his window is closed and he can’t hear you, it isn’t and he can.

Churchill’s Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

While walking down the street one day a female senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the lady. “Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” says the senator.

“I’m sorry but we have our rules..” And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course.. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.

They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.

“Now it’s time to visit Heaven.” So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.” She reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: “Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.”

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!”

BAGHDAD, IRAQ- April 23, 1997 – Saddam Hussein today announced his pledge to fight terrorism, starting with “the fool who crashed my 286 with junk e-mail spam”. The iron fisted leader went on to state that it took nearly five years to scavenge the countryside for stray computer parts “just to get on the net.” After months of receiving busy signals from America Off Line, Saddam was finally able to negotiate (handshake) with the AOL server. He then went to download his e-mail, expecting to receive the customary AOL welcome e-mail message. But much to his dismay he was hit hard by Sanford Wallace’s spam puking Cyber-Bomber Program.

The attack consisted of endless copies of the exact same junk e-mails such as “Get Rich Quick”, “Internet Porno Site Adverts”, etc., etc.. The attack was so hard & heavy that Saddam’s 120 MB hard drive simply crashed within a matter of minutes. Saddam stated that Mr. Wallace has got himself in the same predicament as Salman Rushdie, and will have nowhere to hide.

Reaction amongst netizens was generally positive, and in total agreement with Saddam’s decree.

Sources at the Pentagon stated that Mr. Wallace will most likely be placed in the Wit-less Protection Program (funded by a new tax on all e-mails).

Furthermore, Pentagon Officials were so impressed with the capabilities of the Cyber-Bomber Program, that this highly effective technology will now become property of the Department of Defense. No further details were given in regards to further research and development of junk e-mail spamming as a weapon of mass irritation.

Mr. Spamford Wallace was unavailable for comment.