Encyclopedia of Humor

I knocked several times, but you weren’t in. – Opportunity

I once worked as a salesman and was very independent; I took orders from no one.

I think we should really add to the confusion… Let’s call in (Insert Your Favorite Group – Engineering/Financial…)

I think…therefore I am confused.

I will get it done when I get it done!

I would give $1000 to be a millionaire.

I’ve got to stop getting fired like this. People will start to think I’m a drifter. – Lee Iacocca

If a listener nods his head when you’re explaining your program, wake him up.

If a man advances confidently in the direction of his dreams to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. – Henry David Thoreau

If a program is useful it will be changed, if it is useless, it will be documented.

He who shouts the loudest has the floor.

He who walks in another’s tracks leaves no footprints.

Hindsight is an exact science.

History is the science of what never happens twice.

History repeats itself. That is one of the things wrong with history.

I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.

I have never found, in long experience, that criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance.

I have run out of sick leave, so I’m calling in dead.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Has anyone ever heard of a self-made failure?

Have you flogged your crew today?

He who beats his sword into a plowshare usually ends up plowing for those who kept their swords.

He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

He who dies with the most toys, wins.

He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.

He who hesitates is probably right.

He who pulls the oars does not have time to rock the boat.

Given a bad start, trouble will increase at an exponential rate.

Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Go where the money is.

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Good listeners are not only popular everywhere, but after awhile they know something.

Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.

Great minds run in great circles.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

For every problem, there is a neat, plain solution…and it is always wrong.

For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.

Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.

Free advice costs nothing until you act upon it.

Free time which unexpectedly becomes available will be wasted.

Freud’s 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse proportion to their soundness and validity.

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Geologists do not dress for success unless they are trying to convince others that they are going on interviews.