Encyclopedia of Humor

Pamela Anderson went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman “I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied. “Darn, he recognized me,” she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color,
new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.

“I would like to buy this TV.” “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied. Frustrated, Pamela exclaimed “How do you know
I’m a blonde?” “Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.

Lindsay Lohan calls Delta Airlines and asks, “Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?” The agent replies, “Just a minute…” “Thank you,” the Lindsay Lohan says, and hangs up.

Bored by their wild partying lifestyle Paris Hilton & Lindsay Lohan have turned into nuns.

One day Paris Hilton & Lindsay Lohan were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said,”It’s bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke,but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so Mother Superior doesn’t find them.”

Paris said, “I’ve found a marvelous invention called the condom, which really solves this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!”

Lindsay Lohan was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.

“You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them.” The next day Lindsay Lohan went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. “Good morning, sister,” said the pharmacist.

“What can I do for you today?”

“I’d like some condoms, please,” said Lindsay Lohan. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,

“How many boxes would you like? There are twelve to a box.”

“I’ll take six boxes – that should last about a week,” she replied.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions,

but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, “Sister, what size condoms would you like – we have large, extra large, and big liar size.”

Lindsay Lohan thought for a minute, and finally said, “I’m not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel.”

She wanted the drapes to match the carpet.

Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving habits, offers the following advice:
The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly
proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one’s exposure.
One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers.
Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.