Encyclopedia of Humor

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat.

A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “Business trip or vacation?”. She turns, smiles and says, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.”

Whoa !!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here’s the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she’s going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, “What, exactly, is your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer”, she says ,” I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really,” he says, swallowing hard, “what myths are those?” “Well,” she explains, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent.”

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. “I’m sorry,” she says, “I shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!”.

“Tonto,” the man says as he extends his hand. “Tonto Goldstein.”

I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.

ME: Hello.
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T.

ME: Is this AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …

ME: This is AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …

ME: Is this AT&T.?
AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron, please?

ME: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.

ME: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

ME: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

ME: May I ask who is calling, please?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …

ME: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …

ME: The phone company.
AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

ME: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren’t selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

ME: Now, that’s 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that’s right! 24 hours a day!

ME: 7 days a week.?
AT&T: That’s right.

ME: 365 days a year.?
AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That’s amazing!
AT&T: We think so!

ME: That’s quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes, sir, it’s amazing how it adds up.

ME: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?

ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?

ME: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me 10 cents a minute, that I’ll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for

ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?
AT&T: Sir, I don’t think that is necessary.

ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.

At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.

SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron?
ME: Yeah.

SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
ME: Is This A T &T?

SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.
ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be Careful not to produce a snort.) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to
get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I’ll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
ME: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan.?

ME: No, but I was wondering – do you have that “Friends and Family”
thing because I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little brother…

AT&T: click……..

Human: Hello
Computer: Hi.
Human: What’s your name? Read More…

Weather cat.

Flickr photo, 1 year ago