Encyclopedia of Humor

Get rich fast.

We all have to go.

I hate it when people interrupt you with their own solutions. Like you’re telling a story about how you avoided an accident, and before you finish they jump in and say what you should have done.

I hate it when people argue creationism. Jesus did not ride a dinosaur!

I hate it when I ask a question and people respond by asking how I don’t already know. For instance, I’ll ask “How do you play sudoku?” and the person answers “You don’t know how to play sudoku???” I still don’t know how to play, because everyone answers like that.

I hate it when people back seat drive. Like, they start panicking or slamming their foot on an imaginary break. Or they say “WATCH OUT!” and so I look at whatever the fuck got them so worked up, and it’s a car five hundred feet away. Most accidents are caused by driver distraction, which means you, back seat hazard.

I hate it when people ask me for computer help just because I know computers, but then get mad at me when I don’t do it right. I’m doing YOU the favor, bitch! Fix it yourself if you know how to do it right.

I hate it when people interrupt the flow of a webpage with ads. I don’t want to see your crappy ads.

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between irony and coincidence

I hate it when I ask for help, and someone recommends the obvious answer. For instance, I ask someone in the office “Why doesn’t the copier work?” and they say “Oh, you just need to hit the copy button,” like I’m a stupid ass. Of course I tried the copy button. You think I’d be asking for your help if that worked? What makes it even worse is when I say “I have been” and they say “Are you sure?” You low-expectation having motherfucker.

I hate it when people point me in the direction of Google as a first-resort. For instance, I’ll ask, “Do you know how to get a business loan?” and the person responds, “Try Google.” Well no shit, I already spent an hour on Google. I wouldn’t be talking to you if I could help it. Granted, that may not be the easiest question in the world, but they compound the stupidity when they come over and show me how to use Google. “See, Google’s a very nice tool,” they say. Thanks for your condescending bullshit, assface.

I hate that my dictionary didn’t recognize assface.

I hate opossums. They’re huge, ugly-ass rats with no redeemable social value. We have plenty of scavengers; go do your own thing.

I hate people who don’t comprehend sarcasm. Though I’m glad that you took it as a compliment, I was actually trying to tell you that you’re a twatknuckle.

I hate it when someone tells me what I want to do is not possible. If you don’t think it’s possible, then you’re in my way, and I will use your head as a stepping stool. I asked you for solutions, not for more problems. These people belong back in grade school where they need to relearn how to use their imagination.

Tyra Banks. Oh God I hate Tyra Banks.

I hate it when people say “They really need to write a book about my life.” Whoever “they” is needs to be shot if they publish a book about your life. Your life is boring, and reading about it will give my eyes gonorrhea.

I hate it when people spray Lysol or Febreze to make something smell better. News flash: those chemicals smell like industrial garbage. I’d rather smell the dog crap on the carpet then the nerve agent you just poisoned my lungs with.

I hate it when Bush talks. Seriously, that’s not even a Texas accent.

I hate people who use the elevator for one floor. If you’re disabled, or the floor is inaccessable, fine. But being fat doesn’t count as disabled.

I hate it when people ignore traffic signs. That yeild means you mother fucker!

I hate the fact that most girls don’t hold the door, or attempt to appear to hold the door, when I’m a few feet behind them.

I hate OBX stickers. Overseas, this style sticker identifies where the vehicle is from. Like, we have “Maryland” on our plate, they would have UK. Then it became a trend in America starting with people putting “UK” on their car, which turned in to other countries, which turned into cities, which turned into highschools, which turned into bands, which turned into me shooting myself in the face because there is no way your car is registered in DMB (Dave Matthews Band)

I hate Nebraska. Stupid corn

I hate fondue sets. Yay, Swiss communal germs and molton cheese make for butt blockage plus disease. Ain’t nothing fon about it. (ha, pun)

I hate it when people try to say Global Warming doesn’t exist. Yeah, I didn’t believe it at first either, but that was in the early 80’s. Hurry up and catch up with the rest of the world you G.E.D.-having dumb fucks.

I hate mimes, fan fiction, and tracing paper: the lowest form of each genre.

By Banm Tuack

The $2 Bill. Everyone should start carrying them!

I am STILL laughing!! I think we need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public. The younger generation doesn’t know they exist.

On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.

Me: “Hi, I’d like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.”

Server: “That’ll be $1.04. Eat in?”

Me: “No, it’s to go.” At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.

Server: “Uh, hang on a sec, I’ll be right back.”

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: “Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?”

Manager: “No. A what?”

Server: “A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.”

Manager: “Ask for something else. There’s no such thing as a $2 bill.”

Server: “Yeah, thought so.”

He comes back to me and says, “We don’t take these Do you have anything else?”

Me: “Just this fifty. You don’t take $2 bills? Why?”

Server: “I don’t know.”

Me: “See here where it says legal tender?”

Server: “Yeah.”

Me: “So, why won’t you take it?”

Server: “Well, hang on a sec.”

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I’m a shoplifter, and says to him, “He says I have to take it.”

Manager: “Doesn’t he have anything else?”

Server: “Yeah, a fifty. I’ll get it and you can open the safe and get change ”

Manager: “I’m not opening the safe with him in here.”
Server: “What should I do?”

Manager: “Tell him to come back later when he has real money.”

Server: “I can’t tell him that! You tell him.”

Manager: “Just tell him.”

Server: “No way! This is weird. I’m going in back.”

The manager approaches me and says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t take big bills this time of night.”

Me: “It’s only seven o’clock! Well then, here’s a two dollar bill.”

Manager: “We don’t take those, either.”

Me: “Why not?”

Manager: “I think you know why.”

Me: “No really, tell me why.”

Manager: “Please leave before I call mall security.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Manager: “Please leave before I call mall security.”

Me: “What on earth for?”

Manager: “Please, sir.”

Me: “Uh, go ahead, call them.”

Manager: “Would you please just leave?”

Me: “No.”

Manager: “Fine — have it your way then.”

Me: “Hey, that’s Burger King, isn’t it?”

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy
Comes in.

Guard: “Yeah, Mike, what’s up?”

Manager (whispering): “This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.”

Guard: “No kidding! What?”

Manager: “Get this .. A two dollar bill.”

Guard (incredulous): “Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?”

Manager: “I don’t know. He’s kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.”

Guard: “Oh, so the fifty’s fake!”

Manager: “No, the two dollar bill is.”

Guard: “Why would he fake a two dollar bill?”

Manager: “I don’t know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?”

Guard: “Yeah.”

Security Guard walks over to me and……

Guard: “Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you’re trying to use.”

Me: “Uh, no.”

Guard: “Lemme see ‘em.”

Me: “Why?”

Guard: “Do you want me to get the cops in here?”

At this point I am ready to say, “Sure, please!” but I want to eat, so I say “I’m just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill.

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I’m taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says, “Hey, Mike, what’s wrong with this bill?”

Manager: “It’s fake.”

Guard: “It doesn’t look fake to me.”

Manager: “But it’s a two dollar bill.”

Guard: “Yeah?”

Manager: “Well, there’s no such thing, is there?”

The security guard and I both look at him like he’s an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue.

So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.

Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get free food there, too.

Some of you have noticed that we’ve added a new “Top category” for this April Fools Day, called … April Fools Day.
For all you funny nerd/geek types out there, the IT-related websites provided many reasons to laugh.
Here are the pranks:

1. GOOGLE is our champion this year, they had some pretty well built pranks and some made perfect sense. Remember that some might be true, they launched Gmail on April 1st and we couldn’t believe it was true.

a. gDay – from Google Australia – enables us to search into the future. With their smart computer algorithms they can look into any page, even the National Lottery page. Amazing. This comes from a company with advanced Pigeon Rank technology, no wonder they’ve built this. Link here.

b. Virgle – from Google Main Blog – we’ll embark on a journey to Mars, through a 100 years program by Google and Virgin. Link here.

“Virgin founder Richard Branson and Google co-founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin will be leading hundreds of users on one of the grandest adventures in human history: Project Virgle, the first permanent human colony on Mars.”

c. Social Search Engine – from Google China. A few years ago Google told us that they used pigeons to deliver fast results and now.. the people over at Google China are using PEOPLE. Chinese underpaid people. A whole army of them. And their social networks. Link here (translated from Chinese, it might have some grammar mistakes).

d. Google Japan launched some special DAJARE search. You figure it out, I didn’t understand the translated page. Link here.

e. You can create a new plane with Google Docs. Paper plane.

f. Similar to gDay, Gmail Custom Time allows you to send an email in the Past. It will appear in the recipients Inbox at a selected hour in the past. Link here.

g. Google Calendar launched a wake-up kit. It’s wonderful, just like The Jetsons had.

“The wake up notification uses several progressively more annoying alerts to wake you up. First it will send an SMS message to your phone. If that fails, more coercive means will be used. The kit includes an industrial-sized bucket and is designed to be connected to your water main for automatic filling. In addition, a bed-flipping device is included for forceful removal from your sleeping quarters.” Link here.

2. The Pirate Bay couldn’t surprise me this year, after a similar hoax last year. This time it wasn’t North Korea, they moved their servers to “the desert of Sinai, in Egypt”. Come on, people!! You can do better that that!! BTW: They have a Pirates Political Party in Sweden and every 6th swede is a file sharer. Link here.

3. GIMP released a manual in Esperanto. A fake manual. Link here.

4. Linux Journal changed their name to BeOS journal. Link here.

5. Orkut replaced its own logo in internal pages with a similar-looking logo that reads “Yogurt.”

6. Overclockers Australia announced that they had moved away from PCs and that their new sponsor was Apple Inc.

7. Adsense introduced Adsense for Conversations. This one is a gem. From the Adsense site:

We’re happy to announce the launch of AdSense for conversations, a new type of monetization solution that “puts the ‘context’ in contextual advertising”. Now, in just a few simple steps, you can begin displaying ads that are relevant to the topics you’re discussing — in an unobtrusive screen above your head.

Anyone taking part in the conversation can hit the ad with their hand to immediately take advantage of the product or service being offered. With our new Teleportation Technology(TM), you’ll be transported directly to the site where the service is available, or have the product appear instantaneously in your hands.

Based on our omega testing, we’ve noticed a few common questions among publishers that we’d like to answer.

Link here.

8. Infoworld told us that Google bought Facebook. Link here.

9. Search Engine Land tells us that each American could make 1 million dollars each year if they decide to use a custom search for Live, the Microsoft search engine. This one is hilarious and can get you fooled if you don’t pay attention to the math behind it. Link here.

10. Search Engine People told us that Google will launch their own SEO Services. Link here.

11. From Marketing Pilgrim (Andy Beal) we get GWatch.

The Google USB Search Watch (Model #8002RPA10; estimated retail $89) will bring Google’s popular search engine technology to a wristwatch. Apparently users will be able to use a modified Google API to view search results on your wrist. Link here.

12. SpaceWeather claims NASA has rescheduled the solar maximum out of impatience. It was due in 2012 but is now set to occur this month.

13. TechCrunch announces that they are suing Facebook for $25 million in statutory damages.

14. Online store ThinkGeek advertised several hoax items including a YouTube Tazer, a Betamax to HD DVD converter and a new Wii video game titled Super Pii Pii Brothers.

I’m sure there are more and you are welcome to comment. I will edit the post with special thanks to the contributors.