Encyclopedia of Humor

Back during the Solidarity days, I heard that the following joke was being told in Poland:

A man goes into the Bank of Gdansk to make a deposit. Since he has never kept money in a bank before, he is a little nervous.

“What happens if the Bank of Gdansk should fail?” he asks.

“Well, in that case your money would be insured by the Bank of Warsaw.”

“But, what if the Bank of Warsaw fails?”

“Well, there’d be no problem, because the Bank of Warsaw is insured by the National Bank of Poland.”

“And if the National Bank of Poland fails?”

“Then your money would be insured by the Bank of Moscow.”

“And what if the Bank of Moscow fails?”

“Then your money would be insured by the Great Bank of the Soviet Union.”

“And if that bank fails?”

“Well, in that case, you’d lose all your money. But, wouldn’t it be worth it?”

Her Majesty, the Queen, and Her Royal Highness, Princess Diana, were out for a drive in the country. Suddenly, upon a quiet road, they were set upon and stopped by a highwayman. He forced them out of the car at gunpoint, and demanded their jewels.

“Give me your tiara, Ma’am,” demanded the robber.

“I’m sorry,” replied the Queen. “I did not wear my tiara today.”

“Well then, give me your ring, your highness!” demanded the robber.

“I’m sorry, but I didn’t wear my ring today,” replied the Princess.

Frustrated, the robber waved them away, and drove off with the Bentley, getting at least something for his efforts. The Queen, Princess and their chauffeur made it back to Windsor castle, where they related their ordeal to the Queen Mother.

After the Queen Mother received an account of the robbery she turned to Queen Elizabeth and asked, “I thought that you wore your tiara today?”

“But I did. When I saw the robber pull us over, I hid the tiara in my private place.”

The Queen Mother turned towards Diana and said, “And you – I thought you wore your ring today?”

“I did, but like Momsie, I hid the ring in my private place.”

At this point the chauffeur interjected, “It’s a shame, Ma’am, that Princess Margaret wasn’t wi’ us. We could have saved the Bentley!”

Scene – A grade one classroom on a warm summer afternoon.

Teacher: We are going to have a spelling competition this afternoon. Anyone who can spell a word correctly can go home early. We’ll start with Mary. What did you do at lunchtime?

Mary: I played in the sand-pit.

Teacher: Mary, can you spell “pit?”

Mary: P . . . I . . . T?

Teacher: Very good, you may go. Now Tommy, what did you you do at lunch?

Tommy: I was playing with my toy car.

Teacher: Tommy, can you spell “car?”

Tommy: C . . A . . R

Teacher: Very good, you may go. Now Johnny, why are you crying?

Johnny: (sniff) ‘Cause Tommy and Mary wouldn’t play with me at lunchtime, just ’cause I’m black (sniff).

Teacher: My my. That’s racial prejudice. Johnny, can you spell “racial prejudice?”
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If you feel our jokes are racist, take a deep breath and relax. It’s just humor.

(This joke is best told and not read. It helps if you can do dialects.)

Time: late 1940′s

Place: New York

There were these two elderly Jewish gentlemen visiting the Big Apple when they decided it was getting late and they needed to find a room for the night. As they passed one hotel, one man says to the other, “Why don’t we try this one?” The other says, “Are you crazy? It says on the sign that this is a restricted hotel. You know what that means? It means they don’t let Jews in!” To which the first man replies, “Restricted, reschmicted. Let’s go in and have a little fun. Just let me do all the talking.”

So the two men enter and approach the desk clerk.

Man: (in thick Yiddish accent) We want a room!

Clerk: (Flustered. With a “Connecticut clench”) I’m sorry, but this is a RESTRICTED hotel. We do NOT allow Jewish people to stay here.

Man: What makes you think I’m Jewish? I’m just as Christian as you are! Come on, ask me a Christion question!

The clerk decides to amuse him.

Clerk: OK. OK. Where was Jesus born?

Man: Such a question! Everybody knows that Jesus was born in a stable. Come on, ask me another Christian question!

Clerk: (Impatient) Look. I know you are Jewish and you are not staying here!

Man: Come on, ask me a question. Ask me, “What for was Jesus born in a stable!”

Clerk: (visibly angry) All right! Why was Jesus born in a stable!?

Man: Because a schmuck like you wouldn’t give his mother a room either!

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, “Is this a union house?”

“No, I’m sorry it isn’t.”

“Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”

“The house gets $80 and the girls get $20.”

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

His search continued as long as you want to draw things out, until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, “Why yes, this is a union house.”

“And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”

“The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.”

“That’s more like it!” the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. “I’d like her for the night.”

“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the madame, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has seniority.”