Encyclopedia of Humor

As he was quietly watching television at home, the chap heard a sound on the roof of his house and rushed out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair-sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home, he promptly called up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He was reassured that a gorilla recovering units was on the way and to remain calm.

A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulled up to the house. The elderly driver proceeds to recover from the back of the truck, a chiwawa dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat, and a 12-gauge shotgun. Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla that had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap asked him how he would go about doing this. As he handed him over the 12-gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explained the plan:

“First I’ll climb up there with the ladder. Then I’ll approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat. As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chiwawa will attack its private parts. When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered its hands to its groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs. Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo…”

Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner asked why he was handed the 12-gauge shotgun?

“Well,” explained the experienced gorilla retriever, “It’s just a precaution should things not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball, shoot the dog.”

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asked her, “What are you up to?”

Alice smiled. “I’m going hunting with you!”

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, “If you see a deer, take careful aim and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.”

Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: “Get away from my deer!”

Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, “Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?

A: They’re all on the same team.

Q: How do you know if there’s an elephant in bed with you?

A: She has a big ‘E’ on her pajama jacket pocket.

Q: Why won’t they allow elephants in public swimming pools?

A: Because they might let down their trunks.

Q. Why do elephants have four feet?

A. Because lady elephants have big twats.

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?

A: Sheep.

Q: What do elephants use for condoms?

A: Snakes.

Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?

A: Epileptic pigmies.

Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?

A: ‘Cos sheep don’t have strings.

Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?

A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.

Q: What is an elephant’s sex organ?

A: His foot… If he steps on you you’re FUCKED!

Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?

A: A pachydermatologist.

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?

A: Take away his credit card.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?

A: A two-ton pickup.

Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?

A: “Can I be on top this time?”

Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?

A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?

A young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly remembers about an appointment that he scheduled. Unfortunately, he forgets his watch. He searchs for someone who could give him the time.

He sees a zoo keeper standing next to an elephant. “Excuse me sir,” says the young man “do you know what time it is?”

The zoo keeper reaches under the elephant, grabs his balls and starts playing with them.

“Mmmmm, it is about 3:00″ the zoo keeper responds.

The young man looks at him in awe, “How did you know that?” The zoo keeper looks back at the man, “I looked at the clock on the wall right behind you.”