Encyclopedia of Humor

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors the boat and settles in to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, thinking it rather obvious.

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day, ma’am,” says the warden as he motors away.

Thank you for calling the U.S. Armed Forces.

All of our units are currently busy assisting other customers in various trouble-spots around the world.
When you hear the beep, please leave the name of your country, region of the crisis, and a number where we can reach you.
As soon as we finish cleaning up the Balkans, Afghanistan, Iraq, N. Korea, Indonesia, Philippines, Malaysia, Saudi Arabia, Iran … well you get the picture, and our compulsory “Consideration of the Feelings of Others” orientation classes, we’ll be happy to return your call.

For more options, please press one now.
(beep)

If your crisis is small, immediate in nature, under-funded, and close to the ocean, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps Special Recon Forces.

If your crisis is distant, with a mild climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one of two low-risk, high-altitude bombing runs, press 2 for the United States Air Force.

If your crisis can be resolved with a bit of gray flannel, flags, and a really good marching band, press 3 for the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk Missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come first-serve basis.

If your crisis is not urgent, press 4 for the Rapid Deployment Force.

If you just want troops to occupy your country, get drunk at the local bars, fuck your women, run over your civilians with their vehicles, piss on your fire hydrants, and in general be a royal pain in the ass, press 5 for the United States Army.

If you’re in real trouble, press 6 for the United States Marine Corp Command Center. Your request will be processed as soon as the compulsory credit check is completed. Please note that the USMC Command Center may bill your account at any time, and the actual specifics of the charges will be highly classified.

If you’d like to join the U.S. Marines, where you’ll be shouted at for low pay, have your wife and family stationed miles from civilization, and are prepared to work long hours, risk your life, in all kinds of weather and terrain, while watching congress constantly erode your pay and benefits package, please stay on the line. A bitter, passed-over Marine Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the post office will be with you shortly.

Thank you for calling the U.S. Armed Forces Hotline.

I have a problem. I have two brothers. One brother is a boatswain in the Navy, the other was put to death in the electric chair for a gruesome multiple murder. My mother died from insanity caused by syphilis when I was three years old. My sisters are prostitutes, and my father sells narcotics to high school students. Recently I met a girl who was just released from prison. She was sentenced for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I want to marry her.
My problem is – if I marry this girl, should I tell her about my brother who is a Boatswain Mate.?

Sign Dilemma

It was early morning at an Army camp and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

“Ames”
“Here!”

“Jenson”
“Here!”

“Jones”
“Here!”

“Magersky”
“Here!”

“Seeback”
” — ”

“Seeback!”
” — ”

“SEEBACK!!!”
” — ”

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant’s ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.