Encyclopedia of Humor

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”

Little Johnny’s teacher had a new game for the children. She would pick a word and have the children make a sentence out of it. She had to be careful because she knew that Lil’ Johnny would try and turn this into something dirty, as he had done so many times before.

She chose the word “fascinate”.

Knowing that Johnny could not possibly mess this one up, she called on him first. Johnny said, “My sister went to the mall and bought a blouse. It had 10 buttons up the front, but her boobs were so big she could only fasten eight.”

After all the kids had answered one, it was Johnny’s turn again.

This time the word was “urinate”.

The teacher was sure this one would stump Johnny.

Johnny said, “You’re-an-eight, but if you had bigger boobs you’d be a ten.”

One day, a teacher in a high school class was administering a test, and she noticed that four pupils were missing.

The first one came in.

“Why are you so late?” the teacher said to him.

“Sorry, miss,” he said. “I’ve been up Penny Lane.”

She told him to go sit down.

Then the second pupil came in.

“Why are you so late?” she said to him.

“Sorry miss,” he said. “I’ve been up Penny Lane.”

She told him to go sit down.

Then the third one came in.

“Why are you so late?” she said to him.

“Sorry miss,” he said. “I’ve been up Penny Lane.”

She told him to go sit down.

Finally, the fourth pupil, a girl, came in.

“I suppose you’ve been up Penny Lane, too, then?”

“No, miss,” she said to the teacher. “I am Penny Lane”

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the high school intercom: “Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.”

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: “Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars, return to class.”

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam paper:

“Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.” Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during my Freshman year that “it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

This student got the only A.