Encyclopedia of Humor

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time” would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day too.

5. St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

6. Garbage would take itself out.

7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

8. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

9. Instead of “beer-belly,” you’d get “beer-biceps.”

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Two words “Ally McNaked.”

12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.

As in: Cop:”You know how fast you were going?”

You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”

Cop: “Nice one, That’s $10.00 off”.

13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

18. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sport car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

19. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re#1!”.

20. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out

21. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to “I love you.”

22. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

23. “Sorry I’m late, but I got wasted last night,” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

24. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

25. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.

26. Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back.

Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.”

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Before – You take my breath away.

After – I feel like I’m suffocating.

Before – Twice a night.

After – Twice a month.

Before – She loves the way I take control of a Situation.

After – She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before – Ricky & Lucy.

After – Fred & Ethel.

Before – Saturday Night Live.

After – Monday Night Football.

Before – He makes me feel like a million dollars.

After – If I had a dime for every stupid thing he’s done…

Before – Don’t Stop.

After – Don’t Start.

Before – The Sound of Music.

After – The Sound of Silence.

Before – Is that all you are eating?

After – Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before – Wheel of Fortune.

After – Jeopardy.

Before – It’s like living a dream.

After – It’s a nightmare.

Before – $60/dozen.

After – $1.50/stem.

Before – Turbocharged.

After – Needs a jump-start

Before – We agree on everything!

After – Doesn’t she have a mind of her own?

Before – Victoria’s Secret.

After – Fruit of the Loom.

Before – Feathers & handcuffs.

After – Ball and chain.

Before – Idol.

After – Idle.

Before – He’s lost without me.

After – Why can’t he ask for directions?

Before – When together, time stands still.

After – This relationship is going nowhere.

Before – Croissant and cappuccino.

After – Bagels and instant coffee.

Before – Oysters.

After – Fishsticks.

Before – I can hardly believe we found each other.

After – How the hell did I end up with someone like you?

Before – Romeo and Juliet.

After – Bill and Hillary..

Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.

Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
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17. “I finished the Oreos.”

16. “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs 40 pounds.”

15. “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!”

14. “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”

13. “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!”

12. “Darned if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”

11. “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”

10. “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”

9. “I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”

8. “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”

7. “Get your *own* ice cream.”

6. “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”

5. “Got milk?”

4. “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”

3. “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”

2. “Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…”

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:

1. “You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger…”