Encyclopedia of Humor

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You now think of three espresso’s as “getting wasted.”

You no longer own a real deck of cards because all your favorite card games [solitaire, spades, and hearts] are all played on your computer.

Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back “What’s for dinner?”

Your friend’s daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It’s O.K. when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

You know you’re out of college when

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.

2. Your potted plants stay alive.

3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.

4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.

6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.

7. You haven’t seen a soap opera in over a year.

8. 8:00 am is not early.

9. You have to file your own taxes.

10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

11. You’re not carded anymore.

12. You carry an umbrella.

13. You learn that bachelor is a nice term for “jackass”.

14. “Extended childhood” only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be.

15. “Twenty-something” means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.

16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.

17. You start watching the weather channel.

18. Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren’t staples in your wardrobe.

19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.

20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

21. You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.

22. You go to parties that police don’t raid.

23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you… and they’re no longer “adults” – they are your peers.

24. You don’t know what time Wendy’s closes anymore.

25. Your car insurance goes down.

26. You refer to college students as kids.

27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon and rum.

28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.

29. You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell.

30. Your idea of a rocking Friday night is scoring one of the new releases at Blockbuster.

31. Half your conversations with current college students start with, “When I was in college…”

Not to cuss.

Not to cohabitate.

Not to use that language.

Not to go in the first place.

Not to invest in Telecom stocks.

Not to date sluts.

Not to eat with my hands.

Not to drink from the filthy bucket.

Not to train octopi.

Not to beat myself with slotted spoons.

Not to mix plaids and stripes.

Not to wiggle.

Not to beat eggs for an omelet during Uncle Freddie’s funeral.

Not to save and collect my empty enemas.

Not to smell my feet.

Not to banish Captain Snuggles to the washing machine.

Not to lick the poison mushrooms.

Not to unlock the closet.

Not to wear her bras.

Not to play with the children under the stairs.

Not to juggle the plutonium.

Not to smoke her cigars.

Not to seethe.

Not to let the dogs out, because she’ll know who did it.

Not to cry like a big, fat, hairy little girl.

Not to dance dirty.

Not to fiddle with my colostomy bag.

Not to get jiggy with it, or anything for that matter.

Not to tap on my brother’s iron lung.

Not to take candy from strangers.

Not to let Dad out of the closet.

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.

3. When eating with someone else, calories don’t count if you both eat the same amount.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.

5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one’s personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.

6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.

7. If you eat the food off someone else’s plate, it doesn’t count.

8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.

9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.

10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.