Encyclopedia of Humor

Morris walks into Dr. Cohen’s office and puts a note on the table in front of the doctor. The note reads, “I can’t talk. Please help me!”

The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, “Put your penis on the table here.”

Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so he does as the doctor says.

The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris’s penis as hard as he can.

The man cries in great agony, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

The doctor says, “Good. Come again tomorrow, and we’ll learn B!”

John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. The drugstore owner had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering the owner’s warning, John sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and instructed him to take the entire box all at once. The customer immediately consumed the entire box in the store and then walked outside and leaned against a lamppost. The drugstore owner had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

“He wanted something for his cough but I couldn’t find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.” “Ex- Lax won’t cure a cough!” the owner shouted angrily.

“Sure it will,” John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamppost. “Look at him. He’s afraid to cough.”

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. “Any specific problems you should tell me about?” the doctor asked.

“Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours.” she replied. “Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?”

“Well,” the doctor answered, “Hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?” After calculating for a moment, the hooker replied, “Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess.”

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.

The man asks, “Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?”

The nurse explains, “The hot chocolate will help him sleep.”

The man says, “And the Viagra?”

“Keeps him from falling out of bed.”

A man went into the proctologist’s office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor’s desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, “Look Doc, this is my first exam… I know what the K-Y is for… and I know what the glove is for… but what’s the BEER for?” At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, “Come on, nurse!!!… I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!”