Encyclopedia of Humor

An elderly couple went to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”

The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, “There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.” And he charged them $20.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor, and leave. Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can’t go to her house. I am married and we can’t go to my house. Holiday Inn charges $32. The Hilton charges $37. We do it here for $20 and I get $18 back from Medicare for a visit to the doctor’s office.”

A man approached his family physician and said,

“Doc, I’m afraid you’ll have to remove my wife’s tonsils one of these days.”

The doctor pulled out the family’s medical file and exclaimed,

“Why, I removed them six years ago! Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of tonsils?”

“No,” the husband retorted, “but you’ve heard of a man having two wives, haven’t you?”

A concerned husband went to the doctor to talk about his wife.

He said to the doctor, “I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.”

“Well,” the doctor replied, “go home tonight, stand about 15 feet from her, and say something. If she doesn’t reply, move 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this until we get an idea about the severity of her deafness.”

The husband went home and did exactly as the doctor had instructed. He started off 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she was chopping some vegetables.

He said, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

He heard no response. He moved 5 feet closer and asked again. No reply. He moved 5 feet closer. Still no reply.

He finally got fed up and moved right behind her, about an inch away, and asked again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

She replied, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

“Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

“If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”

“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.

“Doc, I think my son has VD,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“Okay, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.

“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife has it too.”

“Oh crap!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve all got it!”