Encyclopedia of Humor

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY

SICKNESS:

No excuse…We will no longer accept your doctor’s statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

AN OPERATION:

We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.

DEATH:

Other than your own:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

Your own:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.

ALSO:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with “A” will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.

We appreciate your cooperation,

THE MANAGEMENT

It’s an incentive to show up.

It reduces stress.

It leads to more honest communication.

It reduces complaints about low pay.

It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

It encourages carpooling.

It increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t realize it.

It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

It makes fellow employees look better.

It makes conversations easier.

It promotes honesty.

It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. “It’s not for sale,” said the proprietor.

“Look,” said the collector, “that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I’m eccentric. I like cats that way. I’ll raise my offer to ten dollars.”

“It’s a deal,” said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

“For that sum I’m sure you won’t mind throwing in the saucer,” said the connoisseur. “The kitten seems so happy drinking from it.” “Nothing doing,” said the proprietor firmly.

“That’s my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I’ve sold 34 cats.”

Office work dull?…None of your colleagues appreciate your humour?

Amuse yourself. Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You

can award yourself extra points for creative execution.

ONE-POINT GAGS

Run one lap around the office at top speed

Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other ‘no Player’ must be in the bathroom at the time)

Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye”

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, “Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!”

Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way”

Walk sideways to the photocopier.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINT GAGS

Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask “Did you get all that, I don’t want to have to repeat it”

Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a ‘non-player’ within sight).

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT GAGS

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as ‘Bob’.

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do number two”.

After every sentence, say ‘mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, “the report’s on your desk, mon”. Keep this up for one hour.

While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and utter, “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!”

At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce “As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again”.

In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: “See how I look in tights”.

Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask “You wanna trade?”

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”

Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it.”

Posing as a maitre d’, call a colleague and tell him he’s won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.

The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. “This is Capt. Johnson, we’re on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto”.

Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot “Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?”

Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.

“Well”, says the skipper, “First I’m gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I’m gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits.

I’m gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night”.

Well, everyone in the plane’s trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She’s so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off.

Half way down, she trips over an old ladies handbag – and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says, “No need to run dearie, he’s got to go for a shit first!”