Encyclopedia of Humor

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

“John,” the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only – Smith, Jones, Baker – that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

“Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, “Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn’t do wonders cleaning this up, I’ll eat every chunk of it.”

She turns to him with a smirk and says, “You want ketchup on that?”

The salesman says, “Why do you ask?”

She says, “We just moved in and we haven’t got the electricity turned on yet.”

A real estate salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.

“That customer’s going to come back here pretty mad,” he said to his boss. “Should I give him his money back?”

“Money back?” roared the boss. “What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat.”

At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest pockets. Upon being asked, one waiter said, “We see that the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement.”

Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters’ flies and asked what the string was for. “The string is for us to go to the bathroom,” explained the waiter, “that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don’t have to stop to wash our hands.”

The customer asked, “Well, that’s how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?”

The waiter whispered confidentially, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the two spoons.”

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I’m certain that is not feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No fucking way!

TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I’m concerned.

INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It’s not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I’m not sure I can implement this.

INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won’t work.

TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?

INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares?

TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the problem.

INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at this moment.

INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I’m on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.

INSTEAD OF: Bite me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.

INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting?

TRY SAYING: I don’t think this will be a problem.

INSTEAD OF: I really don’t give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He’s a fucking prick.

TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: What the fuck are you doing?