Encyclopedia of Humor

A man walks into a country club, and asks to play a round of golf. The man behind the counter suggests he try one of their brand new mechanical caddies. The guy had just gotten his paycheck, so he had money to burn, he figured “what the hell”.

He took the caddy out and it was great, it would tell him what club to use, what was wrong with his swing, and what direction his putts would break and how much. The man gets done, and shoots the best round of his life.

A month later he comes back and asks for one of the caddies. The manager replies, “I’m sorry, but we had to get rid of them.” The man a little confused asks, “Why did you get rid of them, they were great.” The manager explained that they were made out of metal, so when the sun reflected off of them, it blinded the other golfers.

Still confused, the man adds, “Well, why didn’t you just paint them black?”

The manager replies “Well, we tried that, but then 2 of them didn’t show up for work, and the others robbed the clubhouse.”

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, “I’d give anything to sink this next putt.”

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, “Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, “OK.” And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, “Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.”

The same stranger moves to his side and says, “Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer shrugs and says, “Sure.” And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, “Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?”

The golfer says, “Certainly.” And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,”You know, I’ve really not been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m the devil and from now on you will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” says the golfer. “My name’s Father O’Malley.”

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.

“No thanks… just give me a few minutes… I’ll be fine…” he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his genitals.

“Doesn’t that feel better?” she asks.

“Well… yes… That feels pretty good,” he admits. “But my thumb still hurts like hell.”

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk.

Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.

“What do you have in your pocket?”, she asked.

“Tennis ball,? the man said smiling back.

“Wow,” said the blond looking upset. “That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!”

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, “I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.” The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, “Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?”

The player thought for a moment and then answered, “4?” “Did you say 4?” the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right. Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming…, “Come on coach, give him another chance!”