Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag

2. You Can Change The Oil Too

4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug

5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas

6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness

7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football

8. Parenting – Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around

9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop

10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right

11. Get A Life – Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself

12. Balancing A Checkbook – Even You Can Get It Right

13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility

14. You, The Whining Sex

15. Shopping – Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours

16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother

17. How To Close The Garage Door

18. If You Don’t Want An Excuse, Don’t Demand An Explanation

19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia

20. Living Without Power Windows – How To Turn A Crank

21. Romanticism – The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation

22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself

23. Why You Don’t Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend

24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous

25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother

26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack

27. Female Friendship – Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most

28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

29. Attainable Goal – Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving

30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the third tee (par 3, 185 yards, slight dog leg to left, water hazard on the right) while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailing away ahead of them.

Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don’t know but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let’s have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow aren’t they?

George: Oh yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

Doctor: Wow! Thanks for the scoop George.

Priest: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.

After a short pause …

Engineer: Why can’t these guys play at night?

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.

It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer.

The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.

It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don’t need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.

You can be legally married by publically introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times.

A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.

It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.

It is illegal to milk another person’s cow.

Abilene
It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.

Austin
Wire cutters can not be carried in your pocket.

Beaumont
Collegiate football is banned at Lamar University.

Borger
It is against the law to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive firecrackers of any kind.

Clarendon
It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.

El Paso
Churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons “of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them.”

Houston
Beer may not be purchased after midnight on a Sunday, but it may be purchased on Monday.

It is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.

Galveston
It is illegal to drive a motor car down Broadway before noon on Sundays.

Jasper
Dogs must be on a leash at ALL times. Fine of 100 dollars.

LeFors
It is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer while standing.

Lubbock County
It is illegal to drive within an arm’s length of alcohol – including alcohol in someone else’s blood stream.

Mesquite
It is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.

Port Arthur
Obnoxious odors may not be emitted while in an elevator.

Richardson
It is now illegal to place a “for sale” sign on a car if it visible from the street.

It is illegal to do “U Turns”.

San Antonio
It is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands.

It is illegal to urinate on the Alamo.

Temple
No one may ride a horse and buggy through the town square.

You can ride your horse in the saloon.

Cattle thieves may be hanged on the spot.

Texarkana
Owners of horses may not ride them at night without tail lights.

It says: “Press Any Key” It means: “Press any key you like but I’m not moving.”

It says: “Press A Key” (This one’s a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the “A” key.)

It says: “Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E” It means: “… where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it’s a hardware problem.”

It says: “Installing program to C:….” It means: “… And I’ll also be writing a few files into c:windows and c:windowssystem where you’ll NEVER find them.”

It says: “Please insert disk 11″ It means: “Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks.”

It says: “Cannot read from drive D:….” It means: “… However, if you put the CD in right side up…”

It says: “Please Wait….” It means: “… Indefinitely.”

It says: “Directory does not exist….” It means: “…. any more. Whoops.”

It says: “The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close.” It means: “….Makes no difference to me, you’re still not getting your work back.”

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

She asked the shepherd, “If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?”

He replied “Sure!”

Out of the blue, she blurts out, “352!”

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She looks and searches and finally picks out the cutest one.

He looks at her and says, “If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back!”