Sunday, November 29, 1992

The Ontario Press Council dismissed a complaint filed by Allan Sorensen against the Toronto Sun, which had reported that Sorenson had choked his ex-girlfriend.

Sorensen’s complaint was that his reputation was damaged because the Sun engaged in “speculation” that he had used only one hand to choke her (the other being forced into her mouth). In fact, he said he used both hands.

There were two brunettes in the front of a truck, and three blondes in the back. They rolled off a cliff into the ocean. The brunettes survived, but the blondes died. Why?

They couldn’t get the tailgate open.

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.

3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won’t jump all over you no matter what you’re studying.

4. There are some things even a rat won’t do.

Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.

Ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays.

Dishes must drip dry.

It is illegal to buy or sell marijuana, but it is legal to smoke it on your own property.

You may not pump your own gas in service stations.

The “Peer Review Statute” prohibits you from finding out details of any written or oral discussion about your medical treatment. Not even a court of law can. All you can access is what the doctor or nurse voluntarily records in your chart.

One may not bathe without wearing “suitable clothing,” i.e.,that which covers one’s body from neck to knee.

Beaverton
You must buy a $10 permit to be allowed to install a burglar alarm.

Eugene
It is legal to conduct a horse race or a symphony concert.

It is illegal to show movies or attend a car race on Sundays. (Repealed in the 1970s)

Hood River
Juggling is strictly prohibited without a license.

Klamath Falls
It’s illegal to walk down a sidewalk and knock a snakes head off with your cane.

Portland
People may not whistle underwater.

It’s against the law for a wedding ceremony to be performed at a skating rink. (Repealed in 1989)

You cannot wear roller skates in restrooms.

Marion
Ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon.

Myrtle Creek
One may not box with a kangaroo.

Salem
Women may not wrestle in Salem.

Springfield
It is illegal to own a reptile within the city limits, unless you are a school or city, as a pet.

Stanfield
No more than two people may share a single drink.

Cloth towel dispensers are banned from restrooms.

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn’t panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.”

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?”