It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license.

It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.

It is Illegal to go whale fishing.

If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.

Lehigh
Doughnut holes may not be sold

Omaha
A man is not allowed to run around with a shaved chest.

Sneezing or burping is illegal during a church service.

Waterloo
Barbers are forbidden from eating onions between 7 A.M. and 7 P.M.

Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors.

The comparison went like this:

If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.

In response to all this goading, GM responds:

“Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?”

Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.

May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.

May you grow so rich your widow’s second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.

May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.

May you never leave your marriage alive.

May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. –H.L. Mencken

My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.

My opinions are my wife’s, and she says I’m lucky to have them.

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn’t made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, “Why not call him up?”

He calls up the lawyer.

“Sir, according to our research you haven’t made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?”

The lawyer responds, “A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?”

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, “Well, no sir, I’m…”

“Does your research show that my sister’s husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!”

The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. “I’m terribly sorry…”

“Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?”

The worker is completely humiliated at this point. “I am sorry sir, please forgive me…”

“The gall of you people! I don’t give them anything, so why should I give it to you!”

One private asked another: “How did you manage to get arrested by MPs, Mac?”

“Well, I was out very late on a binge with a friend and he advised me to take off my uniform and shoes when I got to the barracks, and sneak up the stairs quietly so that if the sergeant sees me he may think I was just visiting the head.”

“So what?”

“Well, when I got upstairs I found I was on top of a bus without any clothes on.”