* Tech Support calls “You” for help.
* Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL.
* You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
* You have called out someone’s screen name while making love to your significant other.
* You keep begging your friends to get an account “so we can hang out.”
* Three words: Carpal tunnel syndrome.
* You want to meet a girl/guy and your first impulse is to turn on your computer.
* you’ve ever gotten onto an airplane just to meet some folks face to face.
* you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino’s.
* You have ever joined “Si habla Espanol” (Spanish chat room) “just to work on my Spanish.”
* you’ve ever typed “drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone.”
* you go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail message letting everyone know you’re going to be away.
* you have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it (oops thats me twice!).
* you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences.
* you have met over 100 AOLers.
* you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing.
* when someone says “What did you say?” you reply “Scroll up!”
* you find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
* you turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won’t know you are online again.
* you know more about your AOL friends’ daily routines than you do your own spouse’s.
* you find yourself lying to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook
* you have an identity crisis if someone else is using an s/n close to your own
* you would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night online).
* you change s/n’s so much that you have to get your profile to see who you are (identity crisis here).
* you’re broke, your modem burns out and you go out onto the streets to sell your body to get a new one.
* you open your home to 15 strangers for a week merely because they have computers and cool s/n’s.
* your kids are standing at your side saying “mommy, please come cook dinner” and you would rather type another “LOL”
* you marry your cyberboyfriend/cybergirlfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room.
* you type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.
* you won’t work at a job that doesn’t have a modem involved.
* your dog leaves you.
* you have to ask what year it is.
* you are doing things more and more that you swore you would never, ever do when you first found chat.
* you write a letter like this…”dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well i gotta go bbl!”
* you name your pets after people with whom you talk online.
* you smile sideways.
* you sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists (::cringe::).
* you have a map on the wall with red thumbtacks to mark where people you have met are.
* you look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy.
* you bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the computer.
* your significant other kisses your neck while you are chatting and you think “uh oh, cybersex pervo.”
* you have withdrawal symptoms if you are away from the puter for more than a few hours.
* you use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one… hehehe).
* you take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.
* your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
* you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.
* you have to inject No-Doz into your butt to keep it awake.
* you have your computer set up so that it goes directly into AOL’s welcome screen.
* you wait 6 hours online for a certain “special” person to come home from work.
* you don’t know where the time has gone.
* you end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil.
* your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had.
* you get up at 2 am to go the bathroom but go turn on your computer instead.
* you spell things out loud instead of actually saying the word.
* you don’t even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
* when you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs}}} or ***Kisses***
* you stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme
* your voicemail/answering machine message is “BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL.”
* you type faster than you think.
* you got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL, too, and are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.
* you want to be buried with your computer when it dies…or vice versa
* you actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
* you can actually read and follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your tv screen at the end of a movie.
* people say, if it weren’t for your super reflexes in your eyes and fingers, you would have long been classified as a vegetable.
* you dream in text.
* being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult.
* there is absolutely no interesting chat any room and you are really bored….yet you don’t want to leave in case you miss something.
* you double click your tv remote.
* you can now type at more than 70 wpm.
* you think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.
* you are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say “BRB” or “BBL”
* you check your e-mail and forget you have real mail aka snail mail
* you go into withdrawals during dinner
* you spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room
* you stop speaking in full sentences
* you have gone into an unstaffed tech support room and ended up “giving” tech support to other AOLers
* you have to be pried from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life
* your last sexual experience was really just a “textual” experience
* you set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to “check your mail” and while you were there you “just wanted to see who’s on”
* you meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their s/n.

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let’s celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don’t like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here’s a $5 gift certificate for McDonald’s.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I’ll take you to Pizza Hut if it’ll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

Friendly fire – isn’t.

Recoilless rifles – aren’t.

Suppressive fires – won’t.

You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

A sucking chest wound is Nature’s way of telling you to slow down.

If it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.

Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

If at first you don’t succeed, call in an airstrike.

If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

If your attack is going really well, it’s an ambush.

The enemy diversion you’re ignoring is their main attack.

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they’re ready. & when you’re not.

No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.

There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.

The easy way is always mined.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

Don’t look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.

Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

If the enemy is within range, so are you.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren’t.

Things that must work together, can’t be carried to the field that way.

Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.

Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.

Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won’t be able to get out.

Tracers work both ways.

If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.

When both sides are convinced they’re about to lose, they’re both right.

Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

Fortify your front; you’ll get your rear shot up.

Weather ain’t neutral.

If you can’t remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

Air defense motto: shoot ‘em down; sort ‘em out on the ground.

‘Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it’ll go.

The Cavalry doesn’t always come to the rescue.

Napalm is an area support weapon.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.

Sniper’s motto: reach out and touch someone.

Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The one item you need is always in short supply.

Interchangeable parts aren’t.

It’s not the one with your name on it; it’s the one addressed “to whom it may concern” you’ve got to think about.

When in doubt, empty your magazine.

The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.

If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.

Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

You’ll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.

Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

Well .. It could be worse: It could be raining .. and we could be out in it.

So he said, “Cheer up: it could be worse!” So we cheered up. And it got worse.

The side with the simplest uniform wins…

The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.

The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position.

Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball games?

How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?

Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?

Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find them when they step in deep water.

The enemy “Alway’s” times his attack, to the second you drop your pant’s in the Latrine!!

The ammo you need “NOW”!! is on the “Next” airdrop!!

Sunday, November 29, 1992

The Los Angeles Department of Water and Power (DWP) was ordered to pay $333,000 in penalties to Inyo County because DWP’s property tax payment arrived late — after having been sent back for $3.40 in additional postage.

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage still confers one very special privilege – only a married person can get divorced.

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. — John Lyly