Wednesday, October 21, 1992

Kenneth Jeffries, 24, was arrested in West Haven, Conn., in August for robbing a convenience store. Police reported that he had first offered the clerk $1 for a pack of gum as a ruse and then taken $40 in the robbery.

However, said police, Jeffries returned a minute later and asked, uncertainly, “Did I pay for the gum?”

By that time the clerk had summoned police, and Jeffries was soon apprehended.

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, “My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!”

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, “My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?”

The guy says, “Listen, I don’t want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!”

A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:

“Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn’t you. -$50.00.”

This has got to be the all-time classic comeback. Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio(NPR)interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

INTERVIEWER: ” So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?”

GENERAL REINWALD: ‘We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.”

INTERVIEWER: “Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?”

GENERAL REINWALD: “I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.”

INTERVIEWER: “Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?”

GENERAL REINWALD: “I don’t see how, ….we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm.”

INTERVIEWER: ” But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.”

GENERAL REINWALD: “Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?”

The radio went silent and the interview ended!

It is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots.

Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.

It is illegal to wear your boots to bed.

Fish may not be contained in fishbowls while on a public bus.

Tissues are not to be found in the back of one’s car.

Oklahoma will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of another’s hamburger.

No one may spit on a sidewalk.

Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.

Cars must be tethered outside of public buildings. (Repealed)

Anyone arrested for soliciting a hooker must have their name and picture shown on television.

It is against the law to read a comic book while operating a motor vehicle.

Whaling is illegal.

Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.

Tattoos are banned.

Residents are taxed for the furniture in their homes, and any other personal belongings. (Repealed 1998)

People who make “ugly faces” at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.

Ada
If you wear New York Jets clothing, you may be put in jail.

Clinton
Molesting an automobile is illegal.

Hawthahorne
It is unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window.

Oklahoma City
No one may walk backwards downtown while eating a hamburger.

Schulter
Women may not gamble in the nude, in lingerie, or while wearing a towel.

Tulsa
You may not open a soda bottle without the supervision of a licensed engineer.

Elephants are not to be taken into the downtown area.

Wynona
One’s mode of transportation must be tied up while not attended.

Mules may not drink out of bird baths.

Clothes may not be washed in bird baths.

Yukon
It is illegal to tie a horse in front of city hall.

While passing another vehicle, you must honk your horn.