An Army recruiter delivered a windy pep talk to encourage a group of college students to join the VOLAR. But the culminating point of his oration was greeted with cat calls, whistles and projection of rotten eggs and an assortment of no less rotten vegetables and fruits.

A visitor asked a student: “Why you throw tomatoes at the man and now you are applauding him?”

“We want an encore. I still have some tomatoes left!” explained the student.

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The following is supposedly a true story relating to an actual sailor’s experience in the Army.

After turning in from a four to eight watch the seaman overslept and missed muster. When questioned he said: “Due to my metabolic inability to cope with change I did not respond to external stimuli and remained in a comatose condition.”

The C.P.O., who didn’t understand a word, listened to this report with awe and sent the sailor to the psychiatrist.

It is not illegal to speed. (Repealed)

Buckner
In this small town of only 4,000, yard waste may be burned any day except Sunday.

Excelsior Springs
Worrying squirrels is not tolerated.

Hard objects may not be thrown by hand.

Kansas City
Installation of bathtubs with four legs resembling animal paws is prohibited.

Minors are not allowed to purchase cap pistols, however they may buy shotguns freely.

Marceline
Minors can buy rolling paper and tobacco but not lighters.

Marquette
It is illegal for more than four unrelated persons to occupy the same dwelling (The Brothel Law).

Mole
Frightening a baby is in violation of the law.

Natchez
It shall be unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants.

Purdy
Dancing is strictly prohibited.

St. Louis
It’s illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. This law refers back to the extinct Italian celebration, Hill Day, when beer was served in buckets.

A milk man may not run while on duty.

University City
Four women may not rent an apartment together.

Due to the recent merger of AOL and Time Warner, AOL members can soon expect the following changes:

* Time Magazine’s next “Man Of The Year” issue will feature Steve Case on the cover as the undisputed winner. This of course will strictly be a coincidence.

* The standard irritating AOL popups will be replaced by Warner Bros. cartoons. Now, Elmer Fudd will say, “You cwazy wabbit, you’ve been onwine for 5 minutes and that’s way-y-y too long… we’re going to boot you off!”

* When you try to access a web site that AOL blocks because they know that you are too stupid to think for yourself, Tweety Bird will say, “I tawt I taw a Puddy… I did, I did see a Puddy… ACCESS IS DENIED!”

* The next time that you hear Bugs Bunny say, “Eh, what’s up Doc?” he will be referring to your monthly AOL subscription charge.

* Now that AOL owns everything, there is no one left for them to sell your private and personal information to. Therefore, they will now use that information to obtain a mandatory AOL Visa card in your name and make purchases on your behalf and bill you whatever they want whether you like it or not.

* Now, when you turn off your TV set, AOL will automatically download television programs without your permission and delete the channels of competitors that they don’t want you to watch. Of course the next logical step will be popup ads on the screen while you’re trying to watch your favorite show, and the inevitable outcome will be… “You’ve been watching TV for too long, your connection has been terminated”… CLICK!

And this my friends… is just the beginning!

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.

“Alright,” the lawyer says looking through his papers. “You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.

“What! That sounds like a car payment schedule,” retorted the client.

“Your right. It’s mine.”

Wednesday, October 21, 1992

A Japanese rancher told reporters in Tokyo in July that he herds cattle by outfitting them with pocket pagers (beepers), which he calls from his portable phone.

After a week of training, the cows associate the beeping with eating and hustle up for grub.