There once was a nonconformist bird that decided not to fly south for the winter. He said “I’ve had enough of this flying south every winter, I’ll just stay right here on this farm, what’s the big deal, anyway?”

So he stayed. Winter came and was very cold, the nonconformist bird had never felt such cold weather and was afraid that he might freeze to death. Realizing he had made a big mistake by staying, he headed to a near by barn for shelter. On his way to the barn it began to snow. The poor bird was cold, tired and hungry. “Why did I stay?” he asked himself as he collapsed on the ground. As he lay there covered by the snow, a cow happened by. The cow, feeling the need to relieve himself, crapped right on the bird. At first being angry the bird said, “Who did this horrible thing to me, how dare someone crap on me, I’ll get him for this!” The crap was too heavy for him to free himself. But, after a while the crap began to warm him and he forgot all about his anger. In fact he was so warm that he began to sing. A buzzard passing overheard the singing and went down to investigate. As he cleared away the crap to his delight he found the bird. The bird was so happy to be free from the crap that he thanked the buzzard, who then decided to eat the little bird.

The moral of this story: Just because someone craps on you, it does not make them your enemy, and just because someone gets you out of the crap, it does not make them your friend.

This is funny. The invisible joke.

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and

came upon a young boy who was masturbating. “My son, you

shouldn’t be doing that”, said the priest. “You should be saving

that for when you get married.”

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply

said “Yes, Father.”

About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young

man, in his early twenties came in.

“Yes, my son?” said the priest.

“Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago

you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I’ll never forget

the advice you gave then.”

“And what was that, my son?”

“Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I

should be saving it for when I get married”, said the young

man.

“That sounds like something I probably would have said” said

the priest. “Did you take my advice?”

“Yes I did, Father; but there’s only one problem.”

“What’s that, my son?”

“Well, I have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my

pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I

supposed to do with it?”

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, but then held it out over the beer and yelled, “SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!”