The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia. Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him. The startled front tiger turned and said, “Cut it out.” The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.

About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned, growling, “I said stop it.” The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued.

Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue. The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, “What is it with you?”

The rear tiger replied, “I’m sorry — I really didn’t mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I’m trying to get the taste out of my mouth!”

Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters? He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins — great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer. To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and escorted him safely to shore.

When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat. The lawyer answered, “Professional courtesy.”

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us: Holland Sentinal, date unknown.

Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut: The New York Times, November 22

Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find: The Los Angeles Times, November 2

‘Light’ meals are lower in fat, calories: Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30

Alcohol ads promote drinking: The Hartford Courant, November 18

Malls try to attract shoppers: The Baltimore Sun, October 22

Official: Only rain will cure drought: The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts

Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men: The Sunday Oregonian, September 24

Low Wages Said Key to Poverty: Newsday, July 11

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”