The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.” The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”

The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!” The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”

To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, “I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away.”

Just then Jessica said, “I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.”

So the officer asked for John’s license and after looking at it said, “Sir your license has expired.”

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn’t realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, “I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.”

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, “Jessica, shut your mouth!”

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. “Does your husband always talk to you like that?”

Jessica replied, “only when he’s drunk.”

A brain walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint of beer please.”

The barman looks at him and says “Sorry, I can’t serve you.”

“Why not?” askes the brain.

“You’re already out of your head.”

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender asks the seal, “What’s your pleasure?”

The seal replies, “Anything but Canadian Club.”

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

“How did you like that jump, buddy?” said a proud John to a deck hand.

“It was great,” said the sailor. “But why didn’t you wait? We were just pulling in!”