100 buckets of bits on the bus
100 buckets of bits

Take one down, short it to ground
FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits

Take one down, short it to ground
FE buckets of bits on the bus

What Really Happened To The Kursk

Some new information has come to light over the Kursk disaster. For those with short attention spans, the Kursk was the submarine that blew up and sank killing all 118 on board. The Russians tried to blame the incident on a collision with an unidentified object. However, sonar tapes which recorded the blasts (a small one at first, then a much larger one two minutes later) cast doubt on these claims. A whistle blower within the Russian military has leaked that the crew of the Kursk was testing a new type of torpedo when the accident occurred. It seemed very likely that the test didn’t go quite as planned.

While rescue efforts to save the survivors of the Kursk failed, salvage crews were able to recover a ‘Black Box’ from the submarine which contained detailed accounts of the events leading up to the explosion. As luck would have it, we got a copy of those tapes.

It turns out that the submarine crew was trying to load Microsoft Windows on their fire control computer. Their intent was to replace the aging CP/M operating system with the flashier Windows OS. Apparently, the Russians didn’t know about the legendary stability problems exhibited by Windows. The log tapes make this painfully obvious:

Captain: Is the new fire control Windows OS installed yet?

Seaman: Almost Sir. We just need to finish filling out the registration card.

Captain: Excellent. Soon we will be able to point and click our enemies into oblivion.

[evil laughter in background]

Seaman: Captain! It is booting! Look, it says “Preparing to run Windows for the first time”.

[long pause]

Seaman: Arrgh! Sir, it wants me to reboot again. That makes the 27th time.

Captain: Hmmm. This is not encouraging. Go ahead and reboot again.

Seaman: Aye Sir.

[another long pause]

Seaman: Captain, it is up again. It says it found new hardware … A CD-ROM drive and that it needs drivers.

Captain: Where are the drivers?

Seaman: On the CD-ROM.

Captain: You are joking, right?

Seaman: No Sir.

Captain: Reboot the damn thing again. I am starting not to like this Windows.

[another long pause]

Seaman: Sir! It is back! It says it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and is looking for the device drivers. Do we have a driver disk?

Captain: I do not think so.

Seaman: I will tell it to use the default drivers.

[another long pause]

Seaman: Crap. It wants to reboot again.

Captain: How many times are we going to reboot today? This is taking forever. Our hull is going to rust out before this works.

[another long pause]

Seaman: Sir! It is up and this time it is not asking for anything!

Captain: Really? No device drivers? No registration cards? No user profiles?

Seaman: No Sir. I think it is ready.

Captain: Good work. Now click on the fire control icon and let us see how this works.

Seaman: Clicking now, Sir.

[another long pause]

Captain: Why does the fire control screen have a dancing paper clip on it?

Seaman: I have no idea Sir.

Captain: Hmmm, well try clicking on the menu.

Seaman: Aye Sir. Let us see; Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a Virus, Fire a Torpedo.

Captain: We will spam a friend later. Let us fire a torpedo.

Seaman: Aye Sir.

[another long pause]

Seaman: It is asking us to load the torpedo and to click when ready.

Captain: Torpedo room, load a torpedo in tube number 1!

[intercom:] This is the Torpedo room. The torpedo is loaded Sir.

Captain: Click on the continue button.

Seaman: Aye Sir.

[another long pause]

Seaman: It is asking for a target Sir.

Captain: Hmmm, target the Rainbow Warrior.

Seaman: Aye Sir. Damn! It says the torpedo is low on ink.

Captain: Click ignore. We will get some ink when we return to base.

Seaman: Aye Sir. We are ready to fire.

Captain: Very good. You may fire when ready.

Seaman: Firing torpedo Sir.

[another really long pause]

Captain: Well?

Seaman: I am trying Sir. Nothing is happening. Wait a minute…

[a loud explosion is heard in the background followed by screaming on intercom]

Captain: WTF was that?!?!?

Seaman: Captain! A new screen has appeared! “Outlook Express Fire Control has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Click ‘OK’ to continue.”

Seaman: Oh my God! The paper clip has died! What should I do?

Captain: Shut it down! Shut it down!

Seaman: It is not responding Sir!

Captain: Try ‘CTRL-ALT-DELETE’!

Seaman: Aye Sir. We are in luck! The task manager is still operating. I am instructing the task manager to shut down Outlook Fire Control.

[another long pause]

Seaman: The task manager says that Outlook Fire Control is not responding.

Captain: Well no ****. Tell it to ‘end task’.

Seaman: Nothing is happening Sir.

Captain: Try ‘CTRL-ALT-DELETE’ again.

Seaman: Aye Sir.

[sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.]

Seaman: Oooh! What a pretty blue screen!

Captain: Holy ****! Not the blue screen of dea….

[ KABLAM! A really big explosion. More screaming and the sound of rushing water.]

The tape ends at this point. During the week long rescue effort, divers reported hearing tapping in the form of Morse code coming from survivors inside the damaged sub. The rescuers couldn’t understand why a group of men would spend the last of their strength tapping out “WINDOWS SUCKS” in Morse code. The tapes of the last moments of the Kursk may offer some insight into this.

My computer broke down.
It crashed and burned!
And for my AOL, I really yearned!
I tried to stay busy…
And keep it off my mind.
It was worse than cigarettes, at least butts I can find!!
So I went to Wal-Mart, and got on their pc.
The cashier in electronics was staring at me.
But I didn’t care. I had to get on line!
Check my mail, and see what buddies I can find.
I drew a crowd as I began to cry.
I couldn’t find the password no matter how hard I tried!
I need my AOL!!
I got to have my fix!!
Go to my favorite places, check out some cool pics.
The cashier called Security!
I heard her whisper low, “We have ourselves a Psycho here and she has got to go!”
Security rushed over. Not long did he stall.
Obviously he has never suffered from AOL withdrawal.
He slapped cuffs on my wrists and threw me out the door!
Then he looked at me and said, “Don’t come round here no more!”
I feel so embarrassed!! I have sunk so low!
To be kicked out of Wal-Mart…. How low can I go?
So I’ll try really hard now to rid myself of this affliction.
Get rid of these bad habits and my AOL addiction!

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

See if they can do it again.

For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Say it’s not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Tell them it’s a feature
Say it’s not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

On the first day of Christmas, a user gave to me
A problem with E.T.

On the second day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Two VendaCards and a problem with E.T.

On the third day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Three dead disks,
Two venda cards, and a problem with E.T.

On the fourth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the fifth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the sixth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the seventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the eighth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the ninth day of Chrsitmas, a user gave to me
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the tenth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Twelve e-mail problems,
Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.