…..Byte Bat

All too often, computers aren’t up when you need them, or some sort of system error costs you a lot of time and effort. Hitting a computer or terminal with anything substantial can be satisfying, but expensive. That’s where the Byte Bat comes in.

It is a foam rubber baseball bat, 17 in. long, that may give you a harmless but satisfying way in which to “strike back” at computers.

Specially designed to serve as a frustration shunt, the Byte Bat is compatible with all computers and operating systems, making it the first universally compatible foamware. Each Byte Bat comes with a complete user’s manual, one genuine “Byte Bat User Button,” one multi-color poster showing the device in use, and a warning decal that advises all who approach that “This computer-friendly liveware is protected by Byte Bat.”

“Star Trek Lost Episodes” transcript.

Picard “Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?”

Geordi “Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.”

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker looks puzzled. “What in the world is ‘Microsoft’?”

Data turns to answer. “Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called ‘Windows’, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.”

Picard “But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won’t they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?”

Data “Yes, Captain. But when ‘Windows’ detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an ‘upgrade’. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.”

Picard “Excellent work. This is even better than that ‘unsolvable geometric shape’ idea.”

Fifteen minutes later . . .

Data “Captain, We have successfully installed the ‘Windows’ in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected ‘upgrade’.”

Geordi “Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an ‘upgrade’ to compensate for their increase.”

Picard “Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed.”

Data “Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the ‘upgrade’. Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker “Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . .”

Geordi, excited “Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !”

Picard “Data, what do your scanners show?”

Data “Apparently the Borg have found the internal ‘Windows’ module named ‘Solitaire’ and it has used up all the CPU capacity.”

Picard “Lets wait and see how long this ‘solitaire’ can reduce their functionality.”

Two hours pass . . .

Riker “Geordi what’s the status on the Borg?”

Geordi “As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have set up, our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more ‘Windows’ modules from something called the ‘Microsoft fun-pack’.

Picard “How much time will that buy us ?”

Data “Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours.”

Geordi “Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.”

Picard “Identify.”

Data “It appears to have markings very similar to the ‘Microsoft’ logo”

Over the speakers:
“THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS”

Data “The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects.”

Picard “Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft”

Riker “Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!”

Data “I don’t believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits”

Riker and Picard together horrified “Lawyers !!”

Geordi “It can’t be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.”

Data “True, but apparently some must have survived.”

Riker “They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.”

Data “I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as ‘red tape’. I understand that it often proves fatal.”

Riker “They’re tearing the Borg to pieces !”

Picard “Turn off the monitors. I can’t stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that!”

11th-hour tweaks for Windows ’98 by Microsoft

10. Included subliminal “Impeach Janet Reno” messages in start-up screen.

9. New Internet Explorer feature: whenever you visit a Web site ending in “.gov,” a message first appears reminding you that Microsoft is not a monopoly.

8. Source code no longer ones and zeros–try 666s and zeros. Windows start-up theme, played backward, says, Here’s to my sweet Satan.”

7. Comes with check for $50 that, if cashed, puts your name on an Internet petition telling the DOJ to buzz off *and* changes your long distance carrier to AT&T.

6. New desktop icon–click once, and $1 will go directly from your checking account into the Microsoft Legal Defense Fund.

5. Added new template to preinstalled version of Word: “Letter to the editor expressing delight with Microsoft products.”

4. Freebie computer-controlled Barney doll has been reprogrammed to say, “Big government is sca-a-ary. Janet tried to hurt me.”

3. TV function scrambles C-Span during antitrust hearings.

2. Desktop display with countdown tracking number of copies of Windows 98 that must yet be bought to prevent worldwide economic collapse!

1. Last-minute name change: was “Windows 98,” now “Windows: Assimilate.”

Ten things Bill Gates would like to change about the automotive industry

10. New seats would require everyone to have the same body size.

9. We’d all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.

8. The U.S. government would get subsidies from an automaker–a first.

7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single “General Car Fault” warning light.

6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads.

5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.

4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or CarNT – but then you would have to buy more seats.

3. Occasionally your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.

2. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you’d have to buy a new car.

1. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)

Dear Sir,

I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.