Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG… Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.

Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People’s Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike.

Richard Nixon voice: Hi… Uh, some people say I sound like Richard Nixon… I BEG your pardon! Uh… Everyone’s out right now, so I’m uh… Covering up for them. Please leave your name, number and message promptly at the beep… I don’t want to get blamed for any gaps on this tape. OK machine, you can beep now… Come on you, BEEP.

US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice: Uhh, hello… I’m, uhhh, ohhhhhh… (Pause.) Well, anyway, I’m here to answer the telephone on behalf of… erm… uhhhh… ermmm… (Pause.) I mean, he can’t come to talk to you right now, but if you leave a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh… the uhhhhhh… BEEP.

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.