Sorry, Chris and Susan aren’t here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message before the tone.

If you are calling for John, press 1. If you are calling for Steve, press 1. If you are calling for John OR Steve, press 1. If you are calling for someone else, press 1. If…

After a power outage: Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my answering machine. So, leave a message.

Start, low pitch, slow: Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy… Middle, normal: …home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark, and Mike. Nobody’s home… Later, high pitch, fast: …liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen… End, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish: …kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkleqBEEP

This is not an answering machine–this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.