Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.
They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Computer generated voices:

1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.

2: Yeah, nobody but us machines!

1: Right, just us machines, but don’t hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number…

2: …and a message! You forgot about the message!

1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.

2: …unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!

1: I didn’t expect an answering machine.

2: Nobody expects an answering machine.

1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number.

2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.

1: Oops! And your message message.

2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.

1: And time you called.

2: Oh, great, we’ll have to start over.

1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep.

You have reached the Business Automation voicemail system. We used to call it an answering machine, but this is a high-tech world and we’re in a high-tech business, so we don’t call it that any more. We wouldn’t even if we could. So leave your message…

Kazoo band playing “Thus Spake Zarathustra”: Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached… (TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can.