You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave a message.”

That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me…

Owner is a hard-to-reach person: Yes, I finally got an answering machine. (To Handel’s Messiah:) Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! All-e-lu-ia! Please leave a message at the tone.

Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn’ have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin’ machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don’ like ‘em, but I shay it’ll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in “as-is” condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don’t return your call, it means the machine did not work.

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…