On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane “I’m too young to die!” she wails “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable I’ve had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman Well I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??”For a moment, there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. He’s gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time No one moves.The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:”Iron this.”

A fiberglass port-a-potty at Oshkosh with the message “I could have been a Glassair!” written on it?

“I would like to die in my sleep like my father did, not in screaming terror, like his passengers.”

If God had meant man to fly, He would have given him more money or airplane tickets.

“Gravity always wins!”

You know you´re flying a Cessna when you have a bird strike and it is from behind!

747 on final approach at 1000′ off the deck. First Officer asks Captain “Are you happy with the position of the landing gear, sir?” Captain reaches down, lowers the gear and lands safely.

Lost Cessna Pilot: “Big airport with a little Cessna 150 overhead, please identify yourself!”

A Landing is just controlled mid-air collision with a planet.

“I hate to wake up and find my co-pilot asleep”

… your stall warning plays “Dixie.”

… your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

… you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.

… you’ve ever used moonshine as avgas.

… you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.

… you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.

… your toothpick keeps poking your mike.

… you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

… just before impact, you are heard saying, “Hey y’all, watch this!”

… you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.

… you’ve ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.

… you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.

… you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.

… you wouldn’t be caught dead flyin’ a Grumman “Yankee.”

… you refer to flying in formation as “We got ourselves a convoy!”

… there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.

… when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck One.

… you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!

… you have ever incorporated sheetrock into the repair of your aircraft.

… you have ever responded to ATC with the phrase “That’s a big 10-4!”

… you typically answer female controllers with titles like “sugar” or “little darlin’.”

… she responds with the words “Honey” or “Big guy” then she may be a redneck.

… you have ever used a relief tube as a spitoon.

… you glance down at your belt buckle to help you remember your N-number.

… you have ever tried to impress your girlfriend by buzzing her doublewide.

… the preprinted portion of your weight and balance sheet contains “Case of Bud.”

… your go/no-go checklist includes the words “Skoal” or “Redman.”

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: “We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing – assume the brace position immediately!”

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.

Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: “What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to freaking crash!”

Claudia responds: I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces- which is why I am putting on my make-up.”

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: “Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!” Cindy responds: “I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts- which is why I am exposing my tits!”

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her “love triangle.” Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: “Naomi – Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see??”

Calmly, Naomi responds: “BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!!”

I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced “The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great.”

I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: “Ma’am, perhaps you couldn’t hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane.” She still wouldn’t comply.

Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said: “In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one.”

Our flight attendant replied: “Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I’m called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!”