I’m pretending that I’m marooned on a desert island with Dana Delany, Linda Carter, and Sharon Lawrence. Since I don’t have a telephone there, you could leave a message in a bottle at the sound of the beep, and maybe it’ll wash up on my beach in a few days. Then if the professor gets stranded here, we’ll create a satellite uplink from a few coconuts and a palm leaf and I’ll get right back to you.

Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can’t come to the phone right now because he’s spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.

(Slight echo as if spoken in a large underground cave:) Help me, please help me. I’m down here in the thing you’re holding in your hand. I can’t get out because my leg is broken and my hand is stuck between two wires. Wait, what’s that in the dark? OH NO, not a… a… a… Oh no, it IS! (Crunching noise.)

(Sound of scrap metal falling down a staircase continues through message.) Hello, we are having some technical problems right now, so we can’t take your call. Please leave us a message.

(Automatic gunfire, explosions, rockets, jets; agitated voice:) I’m pinned down and can’t come to the phone right now, and Bob’s handling supporting fire! Leave your name and number, and a message! We’ll get back to you as soon… FIRE IN THE HOLE! (BOOM!) We’ll get back to you as soon as the air cover napalms the place!