Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Theme music from Peter Gunn: My name is David. What people call me is something else entirely. I’m a P.I. It says so on my door. I would have been here to take your call, but then… she walked in. She was the kind of dame that could make Mr. Spock speak French. Her baby blues wouldn’t let me turn her case down, so leave me a clue of your identity after the tone and I’ll track you down. Here’s lookin’ at you, kid.

Thank you for calling Uncle Tom’s Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab ‘em and we slab ‘em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we’ll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.

Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams: Hello. Thank you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic. (Raspy gasp.) We can’t come to the phone right now because we’re making a couple of adjustments. (Break a few small twigs; big scream.) Please leave your name and number and we’ll get back to you as soon as it is humanly possible. Thank you very much.

Stoned, slow voice: Hey brother, you have reached the Narcotics Information Hotline. None of us can answer the phone right now, ’cause we’re trying to decide if it exists. Leave a message.