It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.

It’s always darkest just before it goes pitch black.

It’s always darkest just before the lights go out.

It’s always the wrong time of the month.

It’s better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all.

It’s better to retire too soon than too late.

It’s difficult to work in a group when you’re omnipotent.

It’s Good Enough For Government Work.

It’s hell to work for a nervous boss, especially if you are why he’s nervous!

People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in this week’s “Autoweek” magazine brought it all to light. What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .

- Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon

- Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon

- Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon

- Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon

- Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon

- Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon

- STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon

- Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon

- Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon

- Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon

- Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon

So next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.

When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

“Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?”

“I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”

“A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied. “You got plastered last night. Where did you go?”

“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”

“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.”

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

“Why, my outfit was so well drilled,” declared one, “that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.”

“Very good,” conceded the other, “but when my company presented arms you’d just hear slap, slap, jingle.”

“What was the jingle?” asked the first. “Oh,” replied the other offhand, “just our medals.”

It’s not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.

It’s not how good your work is, it’s how well you explain it.

It’s not the work that gets me down, it’s the coffee breaks.

It’s out of my control.

Job placement: Telling your boss what he can do with your job.

Join in the new game that’s sweeping the country. It’s called “Bureaucracy”. Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.

Junk mail arrives the day it was sent.

Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

Just about the time when your income gets to the point where food prices don’t matter, calories do.